Lux Eterna

Limits

2011-09-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

This blog has been quite dormant lately. I would apologize, but that seems rather pointless as it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it (nyeh!). Life has been very busy, so my time to write has been rather limited, and typically reserved for school. For the last year, I have been working two part time jobs, doing seminary online, and trying my best to keep up with the family at home. While there have definitely been times I have failed at one or more of those, overall I think I've done a pretty good job balancing everything. At least, I did. About two months ago, all of that changed.

In mid-July I began to have some physical issues. It started with just some fatigue and malaise, but quickly progressed to muscle fatigue and shakiness. I have had similar episodes in my life, but this one was different. Usually, if I just stretched and engaged my muscles with a brisk hike or something, everything would work out and I'd be fine. This time, it didn't work. I tried to go for a hike, but had to give up about 10 minutes in, because my legs just didn't feel like they could keep up much longer.

After a week of this, I called my doctor. He ran some tests and the only thing that came back was an indicator for an autoimmune disorder (recently made famous by Venus Williams), so he referred me to a rheumatologist. In the mean time, I began experiencing more pain and aching, especially in my joints. The rheumatologist reran all the tests and added a few others. Everything came back negative. Which is good and bad. Good: I don't have an autoimmune disorder that might knock me down unexpectedly for the rest of my life. Bad: There's no medical reason for what was happening.

After informing us of the results, the doctor asked if there was much stress in our lives. At which Christie and I chuckled wryly. Guess that should have been a clue. Apparently, my body feels that a year of working 65 hours a week, going to seminary, and keeping up with 4 children under the age of 5 is just a little too much. It has reached its limit. I have used up the reserve that I was always able to draw on before.

So now I have to regroup and figure out how to better deal with stress in my life. I've never considered myself to be an energetic person, but I have usually kept busy and dealt with stress pretty well. Although I have been known to push the limits more than once, as I'm sure my parents will attest to. Christie (who has had her share of stress-related health concerns over the last few months, as well) and I are trying to reexamine what we are doing to better cope with the stress of life.

Of course, in the midst of this time of evaluation, Dominic broke his arm and Christie broke her leg. I am also in the process of transitioning from one job to another (more on that later). I have decided to take a break from school for a bit. I may go back for the second sub-term this fall, or just take the fall off altogether. We shall see how my body reacts to the next few weeks here.

It will be interesting as we move forward from here to see how God uses this to shape us. Right now, every time I have a bad night's sleep, I feel it. The muscle feel tired. The energy store I once had is now gone. Now I am truly dependent on God more often than not to just make it through the day. I once wrote a line for a play, "Some times you have to come to the end of yourself before you can see God." Why, oh why, do I have to live out the things I write?

Update

2011-02-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

So.

It has been a ridiculously long time since I posted anything. This is primarily due to the fact that since my last post much has happened (quickly searches Edit Posts tab to ascertain said date). To run down a list of some of the things that have happened: I started seminary, climbed a 14K mountain, and started two new jobs; the boys turned 4, we celebrated the holidays with family and friends, and the babies turned 1.

Those are just a few of the highlights. I've probably missed a few things, but those are some that stick out to me. As you can see, life has kind of been flipped on its head for me. Two jobs and seminary has left me with little creative energy to write, so the blog has suffered, though I've been feeling a little creative surge of late. My poor hiking blog was just getting rolling when everything went crazy. Oh well, such is life!

Now to step back a bit and lay out the details of some of the things that have happened.

My last post mentioned that I had been without work for nearly a year. Well, almost a year to the day from leaving my previous job, two new job opportunities came up. The first was working as a caregiver for a friend of ours who is confined to a wheelchair. I drive him to school (he's a teacher) and to therapy appointments and such. It leaves me with a significant amount of free time during the school day, which is terribly convenient because my second job is leading worship for Ventura Community Church, just a few miles away from the school. It also gives me some big chunks of time to work on seminary. God definitely has His own way of doing things!

It is great to finally have work, especially in ministry, but it hasn't all been easy. THe way things are, I'm working about 65 hours a week, most of that time away from my family. It has been a hard adjustment for all of us. I miss seeing the kids and being there to help Christie out when needed. Christie misses the help, and the kids miss me. Thankfully, our parents have been able to step up to help us out in many ways.

Adjusting to a new church has also been trying at times. This is the first time I have ever started at a church in a leadership position. I grew up at Bethany before getting into ministry there. At Camarillo, I gradually became more involved in worship ministry, and was never on staff. With Ventura, I led worship my first Sunday, and didn't have a Sunday where I wasn't leading until December.

It has also been tough for the family adjusting to a new church. We were really starting to connect and feel a part of Camarillo. We have still been able to be a part of some fun events there since, but Ventura is now our church home. It is also a significant drive (about 30 minutes) which makes it a little tougher to feel like a part of the community. We've had our ups and downs, but we are definitely beginning to connect more with people.

All in all, it has been a crazy ride. The journey is still not over, but God has already done some extraordinary things. Some day we hope to sit down and write out all the incredible ways that God has moved during this crazy journey. In the meantime, Christie is working on updating the Dublets blog. Check back for more updates (hopefully!).

Emoting

2010-07-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

I realize as I peruse the various posts on this blog that I talk a lot about various ideas and might mention a few things about what is going on in my life, but I rarely talk about emotions. A part of this is that I am a male of the species, but I am also a pretty emotionally modest person. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and I know this bothers some people. But on the other hand, it means that I am not ruled by my emotions. In the midst of chaos, I tend to be a very level-headed person.

This does not, however, mean that I do not feel emotions. I actually feel them very deeply, but often do not let them show until they overwhelm me. At those times, you can ask my family how emotionally reserved I am and get a very different response.

But overall, I am pretty even-tempered in my interactions with the world. The other day, someone asked me how I was doing, and I very honestly answered, "OK." At the time I was not overly concerned about anything and I felt relatively happy, so that was my answer. His response, though, made me think. He said, "You're always doing OK." I do not believe he meant anything more than that I always seem to be doing well, but I realized that it probably bothers some people that "OK" is a common response from me.

Some people probably think I am being fake and just saying "OK" so that they won't ask any more questions. Or that I am just not in tune enough with my emotions to express how I am really feeling. This is simply not true. If I am doing exceptionally well when someone asks me how I am doing, I will tell them. If it is the other side of the coin, I may not spew my emotional baggage on them, but I will let them know if I have had a rough day.

So, all of this led to a decision to be a little more emotionally transparent in my blogging. I have no idea if this will really change the tone of anything, because I am usually very analytical when it comes to writing, but I think it might help me be a little more real.

So, here goes: This week has been a rather discouraging one. It started with us not having the only vehicle that can fit the whole family for a day and a half while the passenger and auxiliary A/C unit was being fixed. Thankfully it was all under warranty, but it did make us a little stir crazy to not be able to get out and run some much needed errands.

While the car was in the shop, I spent much of the week working on our study. We have been working on rearranging it for a few months now, but I wanted to paint it before we really got things going. So this week, I painted the walls and put up some shelf standard only to discover that not all of the wall units matched up with the shelf brackets. Naturally, the brackets we have the most of, do no fit the wall units we have the most of, so that project is stalled while we see if we can finagle some way of making them fit. But at least the walls are painted.

I also spent some time working on job stuff. This has been the most frustrating and discouraging thing of all. As I look at the calendar, I realize that it has been nearly a year since I left my previous ministry job. I know without a doubt that it was the right decision, and would make it again if I had to do it all over. But the joblessness is eating at me. God has provided for us and our savings have stretched much further than we ever thought possible, but at some point I would like to be providing for my family again. Not to mention feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment. I know that my passion lies in leading worship and have received a ton of encouragement, but I cannot seem to land a job.

So I have been looking at other options. I thought that I might be able to collect unemployment from my time with the Census Bureau, but discovered that I will not be eligible to do that until October. I certainly hope that I will be employed by then, but we shall see. It is incredibly discouraging to look at job listings and realize that I am not qualified for most that would actually have a chance of covering my bills. Or seeing jobs that I know I could do, but finding it impossible to convince HR people that my experience in the ministry field really does translate into other arenas. I have even looked into some part time work that could help stretch the savings a little more, but even those have proven fruitless. I know God is leading us somewhere, and He will provide as He has all along, but I just want to be there already!

Adding to that frustration, the babies have been having some trouble in the eating department, which is discouraging for Christie and makes feeding time frustrating. They are still very happy babies except at most feedings. And, of course, the older boys are always in the mix being distracting and loud, or fighting like 3-year-olds do, but this week was particularly frustrating in that department. Hopefully, they can get some rest in the next day or two and get back to normal, but we shall see.

Today almost added to the frustration, but thankfully things came out well in the end. I went for a hike training for a backpack in a little over a month, and while on the trail lost my cellphone. I had used it about 30 minutes before I discovered it missing, so I backtracked quickly to see if I could find it. I came up empty-handed and got home an hour later than expected (causing Christie to worry), but thankfully someone had found my phone and called Christie. We picked up the phone and actually made a fun outing of it with the boys, so that worked out well in the end.

Overall, it is really hard right now. I have so much to look forward to between the backpack coming up, starting seminary in August, and just the joy of being with my children. But it is hard to keep focused on the positive and not be discouraged by the frustrations. I know that God is shaping me and shaping my family, but knowing does not always transfer straight to the heart. But even over all the anxieties, frustrations, and disappointments, my greatest desire is to be in the center on God's will for me.

God's Choir

2010-07-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to a meeting today listening to the local classical radio station, I heard a little blurb about a classical sing-a-long concert. The announcer mentioned a recent study that revealed the benefits of corporate singing. Naturally this piqued my interest. Being a worship leader and a choir geek, corporate singing is just a minor passion of mine.

Apparently, the study found that as people sing together, their brains release the chemical oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of intimacy and trust with those around you. It is most commonly released released during sex, as well as by a woman's body during birth to help her bond with her baby. It is an extremely powerful hormone and the effects can be seen in relationships and emotional well-being.

When I hear this and think about all of the Biblical encouragement to sing together as a church, it just blows me away. God knew what singing together accomplished in the chemistry of our brains long before we ever figured this out. And it just makes me appreciate the role of corporate music in the body of Christ all the more. It isn't just the preshow to the preaching. Singing is actually a unifying element that God gave us to strengthen our bonds with each other and Him.

It also makes me sad for those who don't sing with the congregation for whatever reason. I have always felt that they were missing out on something, but now I know they are. I don't say this as a condemnation of those who prefer not to raise their voices, but merely as an encouragement to try something new. I can't say that I understand how uncomfortable some people are with singing, but I would hope that they might understand some of the benefits of singing together and maybe stretch themselves a bit. Come and join the choir!

For a more thorough discussion of this topic, check out church music blog.

Something New

2010-07-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been doing a lot of hiking lately, prepping for a backpack at the end of August, and I got to thinking that it might be fun to share a bit about my experiences. But I didn't feel like it really fit with what I want this blog to be, so I decided to make another blog about my adventures hiking the various trails of the Conejo Valley. I'm just getting it started, so it might be a few days before I have some real content on there, but feel free to check it out here. And don't worry, loyal reader (singular), I'll continue to ignore this blog for long periods of time just like before...

Update

2010-06-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

So things have been rather quiet around my little corner of cyberspace. Life has been busy with 2 new babies added the chaos that was our life with only one set of twins. On top of that, our poor old desktop computer has decided it isn't a big fan of navigating blogger.com. So I've brought my laptop back from semi-retirement and will try to post more regularly again.

Overall, not much has changed in the last few months. The babies are nearly 6 months old, which makes me wonder where the last half a year went. I am still very involved with worship ministry at Camarillo Community Church and even had the chance to preach this past Sunday. I recently had an opportunity to lead worship for Moorpark EV Free Church. That was a lot of fun! Still looking for a full-time gig, but God has been providing in amazing ways.

My work with the Census Bureau is over. Now I don't have to worry about being threatened by crazy people when I take down their names. That was an exciting day. Especially when they nearly got me fired. Thankfully, cooler (saner) heads prevailed and I got to keep my job for another few weeks until I tried to break my leg (unsuccessfully) moving our tent trailer. I was hobbled and unable to work for a couple weeks and by the time I was better, things had all wrapped up. The funny thing is that I am now eligible for unemployment. Work for 3 months, get up to 9 months of unemployment. Gotta love our government.

Christie and I are both trying to get in shape. Christie is recovering from the incredible things a woman's body goes through during pregnancy, and so has been doing a workout video series she's really excited about. I am gearing up for a backpack at the end of August with my brothers. We are hoping to hike Mt. Langley, one of California's 14k peaks. Caleb has done it once, but this will be a first for Andrew and I. So in that vein, I have been hiking or biking 5 or 6 days a week to try to whip my body back into shape. It's been good for me to get out regularly, not just for exercise, but to also clear my head. It's amazing how overpowering the chaos can be.

Such is my life. There seem to be some new things on the horizon. Perhaps one of them will eventually materialize. We shall see.

Preaching

2010-06-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the privilege of preaching at Camarillo Community Church. Christie and I have been attending the church since fall and I have had a ton of opportunities to serve in worship ministry, but had yet to use my teaching skills. The senior pastor, Ralph Rittenhouse, was speaking at another church this weekend, so he asked if I would fill in. I had the wonderfully easy topic of "Hate Your Mother & Father" (part of a larger series called "Extreme Devotion") from Luke 14. Here's the recording if you want to give it a listen...

Some thoughts on worship

2010-03-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have had the opportunity of late to spend some time reflecting on corporate worship, theologically and personally, so I thought I would share a few nuggets.

The first thing I pondered was the necessity of corporate worship. Is it really that important that we gather together to sing songs and hear God's Word? Can't we do those things more effectively on our own? Wouldn't we learn more from personal study and be more touched by worship that is totally our own?

My answers are: yes, no, and no. Corporate worship is very important to our faith, because we are not on this journey alone. It is extremely difficult to look at the words of Jesus (especially John's recollection of the Last Supper) and come to the conclusion that this is a solo mission. Over and over, He exhorts us to love one another, and love cannot be given in absentia. We need the regular opportunities to connect with and learn from other believers.

But some argue that this is best done in smaller groups, that there is no real connection in any group larger than [insert number of choice here]. Nonsense! It is an incredible encouragement to join large groups of believers of all ages in singing praise to our God. Have you ever been to an event where thousand of people join their voices together in worship? It is incredibly powerful! And how wonderful is it when some one stands before a large group and shares their personal struggles and God's victory through them. Yes, I absolutely believe that deep growth does not happen in large, relatively anonymous gatherings, but we should not discount the value of the simple encouragement offered by corporate worship.

The problem, I think, lies not in corporate worship, but in our own selfish attitudes. There are and will continue to be many different debates and opinions about modern worship, but the things that strikes me most is how rarely anyone discusses the idea of sacrifice in worship. In all of our discussions of style and preference, we have lost sight of the role of sacrifice as a part of worship.

Starting in Genesis 4, we see that sacrifice is the primary act of worship, and it remains so throughout the old testament. The people of Israel understood that sacrifice was demanded of sinful people by a righteous, holy God. They knew that worship of God was giving of themselves and not presuming to receive anything in return. But how does that relate to us, since Christ was the ultimate sacrifice?

The apostle Paul reframes the idea of sacrifice in the post-resurrection world in Romans 12:1-2:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

We are no longer offering physical sacrifices of livestock and goods, but offering our very lives in worship to Him. We are to give Him complete control, surrendering to His will above our own, becoming the people He desires us to be.

This sounds pretty personal, so how does this relate to corporate worship? One of the most obvious implications to me is that we need to rethink our debates about style and musical preference. Are we merely arguing for personal preference? How is that sacrificial? Where is our attitude of mutual submission?

What role does discomfort play in sacrifice and worship? It always irks me a little when hearing some one plan a worship service say,"We don't want to make people uncomfortable." Really? Is that a priority in worship? Or does God use discomfort to move us and make us grow?

And think about it on a personal level. When you come into worship, what are you sacrificing? What are you giving up to enter into the presence on the Most High God?

These are just some thoughts that I have been ruminating on recently. There are much more studied and well-versed voices leading these discussions than mine, but I thought I would throw my two cents in the fountain. For deeper and better discussion of worship check out zachicks.com and Road Maps for Worship

Videos

2010-03-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

In an effort to make my videos a little more accessible and concise, I've loaded all of them onto you tube. There are some clips of me leading worship, some from my show "Coming Home" and a short promo video we did for student ministry. You can see them all here. I'm also putting a link in the video section on the right sidebar to my you tube page.

Life...

2010-03-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

... has been crazy busy lately. This week is the first week since the babies were born that we haven't had some one staying with us to help out. It has been quite an adventure getting into some sort of rhythm that Christie and I can handle. Every day is certainly a challenge, but it is helping us to grow and become more and more the people God desires us to be.

On the job front, I am still looking. It has been tough, but God has been faithful and provided for our needs. I will be working part time for the Census Bureau, so that will help for a bit. In the meantime, I have been enjoying serving at Camarillo Community Church. I have had a couple opportunities to lead worship along with regularly singing and playing and being a part of the worship planning committee. All of which has been a ton of fun, but also incredibly stretching. I've had the chance to work on a couple video projects with them and am looking forward to more.

I've also been able to do some projects around the house, trying to make the house as functional as possible with four children now (yikes!). I'm hoping to redo our office and then start working on some creative projects that are rolling around in my brain. Some may see the light of day, others may not. Though first, I need to find time to work while I'm at home (good luck!).

All in all, I'm excited to see where God is leading, but that doesn't take away the fear of not knowing the next step. I know He will provide, but I'm a big picture kind of person. I want to know where I'm going and what the point is. Instead, He wants me to learn to trust and obey.

The Gathering Storm

2010-02-09T20:26:00.001-08:00

The Gathering Storm by Robert Jordan
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I was tempted to give this one 5 stars, but there were still a few things that held me back. I think I was most excited to finally get closure on most of the annoying side plots that just seemed to drag on needlessly, and to see some positive movement in the main plotlines.

The parts that kept this from being a 5 for me were most anything dealing with Rand. His character has just been getting frustratingly darker and darker, leaving you feeling pretty hopeless and depressed. They did finally move toward redemption for his character, but it remains to be seen where they go from there.

Mat's story arc seemed unnecessary, at best, but we shall see what his next step is and whether the major character reveal (my favorite part of this book) has something do with the reasoning behind that arc.

As far as Sanderson's style in taking over for Jordan, I think it was a very good choice. It seemed to me that having a new writer helped bring some new life to many of the characters and stories. I actually found myself enjoying certain characters more than I had previously and even laughing out loud at some of the more light-hearted moments.

All in all, I am very excited to see where the next 2 books go as they move toward the resolution. View all my reviews >>

Blockade

2010-02-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been posting much of late, as I'm sure all of my loyal readers (do I have those?) have noticed. I seem to be struggling with a serious case of writer's block. I'm not sure why, but every time I sit down to try to write something, I just wind up staring at a blank page, plodding out a couple half-hearted sentences, deleting them and logging off in frustration. It's not that I don't have any ideas to post about, I just seem utterly unable to communicate them. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the chaos of having newborn twins with their 3-year-old brothers running rampant about the house...

Les Miserables

2010-01-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
My rating: 5 of 5 stars It's tough to summarize everything about this book. Not just because it is over 1400 pages, or because it took me nearly 15 years to finally finish the darn thing, but also because it is not just simply a novel. The story and the characters are incredible, but this book is so much more than that. It is Victor Hugo's masterpiece of the French people. He uses one of the greatest redemptive stories ever told as a platform to expound on his understanding of his nation. He takes many tangents on the history, economics, sociology, and ethos of France. It makes the story so much bigger than the struggle between the characters, it is about the soul of a people.

That said, the reason I read this book and enjoyed it is because of the characters. My first impression of the story was from seeing the musical version (which I love), but even in that modern opera, many of the characters are given short shrift. Jean Valjean is well explored, and Javert's back story is briefly mentioned, but many of the other characters are barely glimpsed. And in the film version many characters disappear altogether. But Hugo's characters are so rich. Marius is so much more than a French Romeo to Cosette's Juliet. He is a passionate, intelligent man with a strong moral compass, but still young enough to be an idealist. Cosette is not as developed as a character, but much of that is because she is still young and naive, and she represents purity and light to Valjean. To delve her much more would ruin her place in his eyes. Then there are the Thenardiers. This whole family of criminals and miscreants who, while trying to exploit or destroy those around them, seem only to be able to help the main characters. And two of them wind up being the noblest of characters.

The way these characters interact and struggle with each other is fascinating in and of itself, but then you add the historical and factual aspects that Hugo incorporates, and the story just leaps off the page at you. I have to admit that some of his tangents were difficult to get through and some of the details overwhelmed me at times, but I think much of that is because I am not as familiar with the history of France (though I did pick up my encyclopedia to look up some more info) and I do not know the city of Paris as a citizen would. Yet, despite these handicaps, I still found much of his writing fascinating. All in all, this is probably my favorite story for so many reasons. I highly recommend it to anyone. And don't be daunted by the size. It actually breaks up into smaller reads quite well. View all my reviews >>

Beauty

2010-01-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

Beauty does not create Love. Love creates Beauty.

Trees

2009-09-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

As we broke from the trees into the clearing the fog enshrouded us, obscuring our vision. We drew closer together, not wanting to be lost in the rapidly swirling fog. The condensation began dripping off our coats. The sound of our voices seemed to stop inches from our faces, while other mysterious sounds echoed ominously. This was where they said we would meet him, but all we found was a wall of mist. As we inched toward the center of the meadow, the massive trees on the other side began to emerge from the veil of fog. Suddenly, the earth began to tremble. It buckled and heaved underneath us as though it were trying to dislodge us from its surface. We clawed at each other, the long grasses around our knees, the ground itself, anything to keep our center. When it stopped, we all looked around, wide-eyed, searching the hidden world around us for any sign of what had happened. As I peered deeply into the fog at the trees nearest us, I couldn't help but feel that we had moved closer. Then it dawned on me: these were not trees.

A New Song

2009-09-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

I recently had the privilege of performing an original song for our church worship service. It has taken me several annoyingly fruitless attempts to get a recording online, but here it is, finally! The song is titled "Where Are You, O God?" and is loosely based on Psalm 22. This is a very raw recording straight off the live mix, so the balance is not what I would like, but I think it gives a pretty fair shake to the song. Performing the song are: Vocals: Lucas Weston, Piano: Markus Loose (wish that part came through a little stronger), Guitar: Tim Fenderson (who I also need to give credit for helping work out a couple problem spots on the chart in rehearsal), Bass: Bryon Josselyn, Drums: Chris Harman (if you can make them out in the way background without a microphone).

She

2009-08-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

She was quite the unpleasantest person we ever had the misfortune of meeting. No one knew why she was so, though frankly none cared too much. Perhaps that explains everything.

He

2009-08-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

Their clamorous cheers fell hollow on his ears. There was a traitor in their midst. Let them celebrate. He must find the one who would betray them all...

The other shoe

2009-07-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

As I shared earlier, I am in the midst of a big transition. Leaving one job and searching for another is always stressful and difficult. The uncertainties can be very tough on a family. But that isn't even the half of the craziness of our lives right now.

A few weeks after I started the process of leaving my current job and searching for a new one, we found out that Christie is pregnant. Naturally, that raised the stress level significantly. Then, at her first doctor's visit, where her doctor emphatically declared that he had never had back to back spontaneous twins, we discovered that we are indeed expecting our second set of twins.

Any one of these things brings an immense amount of stress. Put them all together, and I'm not exactly sure what emotions I'm feeling.

I'm excited to have two more on the way and to see where God is leading me in my career.

I'm terrified to think of how dramatically our lives are going to change and don't know whether I'll be able to handle it.

I'm overwhelmed by God's opinion of Christie and I and our ability to handle not one but two sets of twins.

I'm exhausted thinking of all the details that need to fall into place in a short time.

I'm anxious about a lot of unanswered questions. Are we going to have to move? Will the boys be potty-trained before the next set arrives? Are we going to be able to find affordable healthcare if I don't find a job right away? Will I ever get to spend time with my wife again? Am I going to have a scrap of sanity left?

But above all, I know that God will provide. He always has and He always will. This song has been rolling around in my head all morning:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning, new every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness, o Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness

Which is inspired by Lamentations 3:21-23:

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

If Jeremiah can write of God's love and faithfulness while watching Jerusalem burn to the ground, I think I can rest on His love and faithfulness as well.

Worship Video

2009-07-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

As part of my job search, many churches want to see some video of prospective worship leaders in action. So here goes. I led worship on Sunday, June 28 at Bethany. I crafted the worship set to start out with a reading from Psalm 148 which led to a 3-song set of praise then we had announcements, followed by an offering song. After the sermon, we did thee more songs that took us from a reflective attitude to a joyful sending. This video is only the first set. I will be posting the other songs as soon as technology allows me.

A Big Step

2009-07-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

Those of you who periodically check in on my blog may have noticed that I have not posted much of late. While I have been posting a few things here and there about movies and whatnot, my posts about life and other things have been somewhat scarce. This is because I have been working through a lot of things that I was not yet ready to share. The biggest of which is my future in ministry.

For much of the past year, I have been looking toward the future and asking God where He is leading me. It has been a difficult and lengthy process. For the last five years, I have been the Student Ministry Director at Bethany Church on the Hill here in Thousand Oaks. Bethany is also the church that my family and I have attended for the last twenty years. It has been a huge part of my spiritual development. It has been a place that I have loved and served in many ways.

But over the last year or so, I have begun to wonder if this is where I am meant to be; whether or not my future in ministry is with teenagers or something else. I never really pictured myself being a youth pastor my entire career, but I wasn't sure what else I would want to do. So I began to ask God.

I wish I could say everything was simple and easy, but that would be a lie. This last year has been one of the most difficult of my life. Dealing with my own questions and doubts while simultaneously being confronted with a lot of criticism and adversity, all while trying to balance my family and ministry, left me drained in many ways.

Throughout this trying time, though, there were many bright spots. I had many opportunities to develop new relationships with students and enjoy some wonderful times just being with them. I also had the opportunity to produce a play that I wrote, along with two original songs, at our Christmas dinner theater. And I have enjoyed many wonderful moments with my boys and my wife.

Soon, I began to sense a growing discontentedness with my current situation. I felt more and more that I wanted to devote more time to music and theater and other media. I still loved my students and enjoyed the time together, but the actual running of the ministry became less and less joyful. Too often I felt that I was working out of my weaknesses, with little time to enjoy my strengths.

And so, a couple months ago, as I was just talking to God, I felt a definite answer. It is time for me to move on. I have enjoyed my time at Bethany, and more than anything I want to see the church and my students grow and thrive, but God laid it on my heart that it is no longer my job. It was not an easy realization, nor a happy one. But if I want my students to follow God's leading in their lives, I must do the same.

So now I am stepping out in faith. I know that it is time to move on to something new. I know that where I am is no longer where I need to be. But I have no idea what the next step is going to look like. I will be stepping down from my current position at the end of August and am trusting that God will take care of me. I am actively pursuing a job as a full time worship pastor or similar position, but, as yet, I do not have another job. I am terrified, excited, and whole mix of other emotions. But I know that, ultimately, it is in God's hands.

Less than meets the eye...

2009-06-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

I just saw the laziest movie I have seen in a long time. Not that I was expecting anything more than a fun action flick, but this was the perfect example of why so many sequels go bad. Transformers 2 had all the incredible special effects and mayhem you would expect from a summer blockbuster, but the producers should be ashamed of their pathetic effort in filmmaking.

The overall plot could have been so much more, but instead the history of the transformers get a brief mention and is given very little importance to the actual plot. The characters were flat and uninspiring. And the biggest bummer of all for me was how much they focused on the humans rather than the interesting story of the transformers themselves. Sure Sam is living every geek's dream, and Megan Fox is pretty, but if that's all they wanted to make the movie about, why bother having the transformers. Aside from Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, most of the transformers aren't distinguishable enough from each other to even care about them. The big bad guy, the Fallen, was barely on screen and did not seem all that intimidating when they did show him. Basically, I felt like the whole movie was just a chance to show off a bunch of gaudy special effects and Megan Fox's (and the creepy decepticon femme-bot's) curves.

Then there's the humor. It has to be some of the most juvenile humor I've seen in a movie in a long time. I mean, seriously, how many jokes about male anatomy and dogs (or robots) mounting things before it stops being funny. It's like they couldn't actually think of anything funny, so they just threw a lot of vulgar junk in there to get some cheap laughs. And don't get me started on the twins...

All in all, it was a fun movie, but just could have used a lot more thought in all aspects. It's really sad to see movie-goers rewarding Michael Bay's lazy filmmaking with so much money, but people are easily distracted by big shiny objects on the movie screen.

Style

2009-06-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

So, for the few of you out there who actually follow my blog, you will notice I'm trying a new template. I'm still tweaking with it, using my limited, trial-and-error based understanding of html. Not sure why I thought it was time for a change, but just thought I'd like something a little different. Hopefully the style suits my random assortment of thoughts and topics.

Termination

2009-05-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Just saw Terminator: Salvation and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. There were some cool scenes and some interesting thoughts and ideas, but I'm still somewhat disappointed. I definitely found it refreshing to get out of the whole time travel rut (and all the obnoxious paradoxes that come from that) and see the actual war against the machines. It was also interesting to see how some of the characters that get mentioned in the previous films came together and who they really are.

I think what left me feeling less than satisfied was a certain pet-peeve of mine when it comes to film distributors. Have you ever watched a preview and thought, "Well, I guess I don't need to watch that movie now," because you just saw everything in the trailer? I had hopes that would not be the case for Terminator, but I was mistaken. They give away the big shocking moment that changes the course of the entire film in the preview. And from that point on, the plot is predictable.

I was also a bit nonplussed with the ending. They have made it clear from the beginning that this was intended to be the beginning of a new trilogy that would show the final showdown between the machines and humans (Matrix anyone?), but by the end, I honestly didn't care about seeing more. I liked the idea that no matter how much meddling the people of the future did in the past, the inexorable march of technology will lead to the mechanized judgment day, and I was initially interested to see this side of the story. But now, I don't know how they can continue to make an interesting story from here on out without being utterly predictable. I think the corner they have backed themselves into is that when technology is the enemy, you have to keep upping the ante with each film. They've done that for 4 films and I don't know that they have anywhere to go.

Anyhoo, just some thoughts. And, of course, an obligatory metal head...

Lizard

2009-05-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

The other day I had an encounter with a lizard. It wasn't anything special, but it did make me think.

I was out for a stroll around the church grounds, and as I turned a lizard froze on the curb in front of me. I took a step back and slowly sat back on my heels to watch. The lizard stayed quite still for a minute or so, and then did something totally unexpected. It actually started scooting toward me. It certainly kept an eye on me, but it seemed to accept my presence and attempted to move on with its existence.

Eventually, I had to move on with my day, but it made me think. Had I simply kept walking, my reptilian friend would have scampered away to find a place to hide. Yet, because I took a step back and let him continue in his own way, he actually approached me. Perhaps he was curious, or perhaps there was a scrumptious looking bug by my left foot. I don't know why, but he came closer to me.

This got me thinking about our relationship to God. So often we want God to come down and show himself and tell us what to do. But if God were to come in all his power and glory, we would be more sacred than lizards in the presence of humans. We would run and hide, trying not to wet ourselves in fear. But instead, God makes us aware of His presence, and then sits back and lets us approach Him. We all have our reasons for approaching (curiosity, scrumptious bugs, whatever floats your boat), but He leaves it in our power to decide. If He wanted to force Himself on us, we would have no ability to resist. But instead, He allows us to retain the small power of our free will.

What an amazing God we have!

Ideas

2009-02-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had so many ideas in your head you don't know where to start?

There are so many things rolling around in my brain right now. New ideas for music. Plans for decorating our house. Visions for ministry. Story lines for scripts. It's all getting a bit jumbled and overwhelming.

The annoying thing is that when I feel like this, instead of pushing forward, I retreat. I feel so overwhelmed, I don't know where to start. So instead of just picking something and going with it, I do nothing, hoping that somehow I'll be told what to do. Maybe it's time to jump in the deep end and see what happens.

Or maybe I'll wait 'til tomorrow...

Mystery

2009-02-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

Why do we hate mystery?

Oh, sure, we love a good mystery story every now and then, but we have to have all the loose ends neatly tied and all questions answered by the end. If not we feel disappointed or frustrated. Or we eagerly anticipate the sequel (or prequel) that will explain everything. And yet, all too often, continuing the story to answer all the questions winds up making things worse. (Godfather 3, anyone?)

I'm a big Star Wars fan and I have actually been debating on how to show my kids the series. If I show them the prequels first, the big reveal in Episode V loses all its impact. But at the same time, the shock of Anakin's fall and betrayal in the prequels wasn't as dramatic for me, knowing the outcome already. (Then again, maybe that has to do with the sub-par storytelling of the prequels) Or maybe I shouldn't show them at all and leave that era of the Star Wars story a mystery for them to enjoy. Ah, the debates that rage through the mind of a nerd...

The series Lost is a great example of our wrestling match with mystery. Some people have been frustrated by all the mysteries, and the lack of answers to many of the questions. But if there were no overshadowing mysteries, would the show be as interesting? When I first heard about the concept for the show, I didn't think it would last more than a season. Who wants to watch a bunch of people stuck on a deserted island? Doesn't Survivor already do that? It's the supernatural, mysterious elements that make the show worth watching. I just hope they end the show when it is time and don't just string out a bunch more questions to keep the show on life support, ala X-Files.

I think there is a certain beauty in the mystery. I think life would be boring if we had all the answers. Isn't life more interesting one step at a time? Would you live your life the same way if you knew how everything was going to turn out? Or would knowing the outcome change your decisions?

Here's to a little more mystery!

Brazil

2009-02-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

I finally got around to watching the film Brazil, by Terry Gilliam. I have always enjoyed Gilliam's work and this one was probably one of his best. Granted, I saw a director's cut and several of his films have been reportedly ruined by studio meddling, but it seemed to be his best executed film. Everything really flowed and made sense in that bizarre Terry Gilliam way. The film seemed complete, whereas some of his others seem to be missing something once you get to the end.

I also enjoyed the story and world that he created. His idea of a future where information is commodity, privacy is non-existent, and bureaucracy reigns supreme is disturbingly prescient. The excessive security enacted to combat terrorism is the very complaint many have lodged against the Patriot Act. For anyone who has had "contraband" confiscated at the airport, there is a hilarious scene when the main character and his mother enter a restaurant and the gift she has bought him triggers an alarm.

The story is a wonderfully tragic tale, echoing the classic greek tragedies, where the main character, in order to avoid the thing he dreads, sets off a chain of events that bring his fear to fruition. It all leads to an ending that is so brilliant and off-beat, that you can't think of a better one. And of course, I'll never be able to listen to Pink Martini quite the same again...

Steps

2009-01-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

He stands on the brink.

The path behind him is a winding trail of missteps and surprises, but the steps were easy to see. Ahead, he sees nothing but a whirling morass of clouds swirling through a deep valley. Over the chaos before him, he can still hear the beautiful strains that have lured him thus far. But here the path fades to gray mists. It is almost as if the ground itself was swallowed by the curtain of fog that obscures his way. If he steps forward, will he be able to find his way, or will he lose the melody in the thick blanket and never find his way out? Is there even a way out on the other side? Will the ground hold him, or will he lose his footing and tumble into the abyss? Is there even any ground to stand on?

He knows he cannot go back; his destination lies ahead. He must move forward. The song compels him.

The storm is coming.

The Dark Knight

2009-01-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

The Motion Picture Academy has once again proven that they are total snobs who cannot bring themselves to respect any film released before November. I have not yet seen any of the best picture/director nominees, but to not even honor a film as powerful and well-crafted as The Dark Knight is ridiculous. The only major nomination it received was for Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, which is deserved, but also was a foregone conclusion to most 6 months ago. This was one of the finest crafted films I have ever seen. In fact, it was almost more of an experience than just a film.

Not only was The Dark Knight an enjoyable and engaging action movie, but it also addressed some very interesting ideas and issues. Of course it had the theme of good vs. evil, but most importantly, it tried to find the line between the two. The Joker is constantly trying to push Batman to break his one rule. Through that conflict we also see some ideas about integrity, and the seduction of the darker side of humanity. There are also themes of sacrifice, justice, loss, and so many more elements of the human story.

What most fascinated me, though, was the central idea of the film that is given in the title itself. In the end Batman embraces the persona of the dark knight, the one who lives in shadows and confronts evil on its own terms. He realizes that in a broken world, sometimes society needs people to do its dirty work, only to be reviled by the very people they are protecting. I find this especially fascinating given the timing of the film. Given the vehement dislike of the president who just left office over issues like the war on terrorism, torture, infringement of personal privacy, and other issues, this film was terribly ironic in its popularity. At the same time that people were reviling our president for allowing water boarding of suspected terrorists, they were applauding as Batman beat the Joker to a pulp while in police custody. The top grossing film of the year (and second-most all-time) was validating every controversial move of the Bush administration, yet most people never even noticed.

And that right there is the beauty of this film. It grappled with deep and powerful issues that most people totally missed because they were having too much fun. It hid valuable truths and insightful questions deep inside an entertaining and beautiful story. Isn't that the point of any artistic medium?

Rest

2009-01-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to really rest? I'm not talking about veging out in front of the TV, or playing video games, or the hundreds of other activities we call "rest", but really, truly rest. Take time away from the daily grind and recharge seems like such a difficult task, but it is so necessary.

Last week, I caught a nasty little cold and tried to stay home and rest. Well, I stayed home, but rest was not a part of my days at home. I tried to relax and not do much, but I still needed to help take care of the boys and get some things done around the house. I realize that that is just part of being a parent, but how often do we do the same thing. We have an opportunity to rest, or our bodies make us rest, and instead of truly resting, we fritter away our time on useless activities.

I guess a lot of it has to do with how one recharges. I know people are relaxed and energized by different activities, but I feel like our culture is constantly trying to push us to do more with less time. We now have all these ridiculous energy drinks that will help keep us up to do all the millions of things we want to do (or think we are supposed to do), meanwhile telling us that sleep is for the weak. (I'm not making that up. I actually saw an energy drink ad that said that.) People seem to see true rest as a waste of time, not a valuable and vital part of our lives. And then we wonder why people are burnt out or turn to drugs or alcohol or other risky behaviors to find some sort of release.

So maybe this week, instead of turning on the TV or the video games or whatever else, ask yourself, "How do I truly rest?" and go do it.

A Brief Review

2009-01-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

The Complete Fairy Tales by George MacDonald

rating: 5 of 5 stars
A very enjoyable collection of MacDonald's shorter works. Publishing them in chronological order allows you to see the progression of his work throughout his life. Be sure to read his essay at the beginning entitled The Fantastic Imagination. It is extremely helpful to understand his views and ideas about fantasy stories. It helps you to grasp some of the deeper meanings, while also giving you permission to just enjoy the stories for what they are. Any fan of fantasy (especially C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein who were big fans) should be sure to give this a read.

View all my reviews.

True

2009-01-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

"'That's too good to be true,' said Nanny.

'There are very few things good enough to be true,' said Diamond; 'but I hope this is. Too good to be true can't be. Isn't true good? and isn't good good? And how then, can anything be too good to be true?...'"

George MacDonald, from At the Back of the North Wind

Critique

2009-01-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

The best way with music, I imagine, is not to bring the forces of our intellect to bear upon it, but to be still and let it work on that part of us for whose sake it exists. We spoil countless precious things by intellectual greed. He who will be a man, and will not be a child, must-he cannot help himself-become a little man, a dwarf. he will, however, need no consolation, for he is sure to think himself a very large creature indeed.

George MacDonald, from The Fantastic Imagination

How often do we ruin great work by tearing it apart and inspecting every inch of it? It is like buying a brand new car, tearing it apart completely, and then declaring it a great feat of engineering. That's great, but now your car is a worthless pile of parts.

Now, I enjoy a good, intellectual discussion of a film or book, but there is a limit. Too often we dissect a thing of beauty until there is no beauty left to enjoy. There were several books we studied in school that were destroyed by digging too deep and reaching for meaning that was not there and was never intended. I know that these studies were supposed to help us understand the craft of writing and see symbols and themes, but more often than not it merely drained the book of all enjoyment.

Because of this, I have never been a big fan of critics. Too often they lay an unfair criterion on a piece, and then criticize it for not being what they thought it should be. It often does not matter what the artist intended. They dissect things and try to make them more important than the creator ever intended.

I am reminded of the critics who said that Tolkein's Lord of the Rings saga was an allegory of World War II, even though Tolkein himself consistently denied it. Sure, he took themes from the events of his life (like all good artists) but that does not mean it was intended to be a direct allegory. Yet, some critics probably still believe that was his goal.

So, instead of intellectual dissection of art, why not merely enjoy something, even though you may not understand why? Perhaps someday in the future, you will see what it is that struck you so deeply. But for now, just enjoy, like children who enjoy without questioning.

But indeed your children are not likely to trouble you about the meaning. They find what they are capable of finding, and more would be too much. For my part, I do not write for children, but for the childlike. whether of five, or fifty, or seventy-five.

George MacDonald, from The Fantastic Imagination

Purpose

2009-01-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

"The best thing you can do for your fellow, next to rousing his conscience is-not to give him something to think about, but to wake things up that are in him; or say, to make him think for himself."

-George MacDonald, from The Fantastic Imagination

2009

2009-01-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

Well, a happy new year to everyone!

2008 was an interesting year, and has left some unfinished business for me. I look forward to seeing where things are going.

Some hopes for the new year:
I hope to get my script published. The show went extremely well, and I got a lot of positive feedback. I'd like to work on some of the arrangements and neaten things up a bit, so publishing may be more work than I realize, but I would really like to get it out there.
I hope to do some more writing. Since writing the script and the new songs for it, my brain has been aswirl with ideas and thoughts. Some things might appear here and some may just ferment for a little while. We shall see.
I hope to figure out what I'm doing about Seminary. I've applied, but haven't actually started, because things have been so crazy, I didn't feel good adding anything new.
Above all, I hope to be more aware of God and what He is doing in my everyday life. I feel like I have been too bogged down in doing what needs to be done without stopping to see God. I want that to change and it is going to take considerable effort.

Here's to a new adventure!

Busy-ness

2008-09-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time. I had hoped to get back on this whole blogging thing and make more regular contributions to the haze, but it was not to be. But life is busy and this hasn't been the top of my priorities. Among some things that have been going on: I am writing the musical our church is doing this Christmas (no small task), I am applying for grad school, plus some fun trips this summer and family stuff. All in all, things keep me busy.

But in reality, I probably have more time than I think. I certainly find a lot of ways to waste time. I'm sure I don't need to spend quite so much time surfing various websites, or dinking around on the computer. I could certainly spend less time watching TV. But then again there are a lot of other things that I should or could be doing, that I don't.

I think there's always that push and pull between busy and quiet. So maybe it's a matter of balancing what needs to be done, what ought to be done, and what you want to do, and not feeling guilty when you choose one over the other for a time.

Ownership

2008-04-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

Why do we have such an intense desire to own things?

This question started nagging at me over Christmas and popped up again around my birthday. I'm not totally sure why, but you can't deny that humans have a desire, some times even a need, to own things. Is it a control issue? Does it make us feel more powerful or significant when we own something? Perhaps it is a need for security, and our stuff insulates us from the harsh realities of the world? Why are we so greedy and protective of the things we own or don't own, when we know that in the end, all of our stuff will mean nothing?

Then again, is ownership even real, or is it merely an illusion? Just because it is in our possession, do we really own it? This is especially murky when we talk about intellectual and artistic property. According to copyright law, you only own a copy of some one else's property that you have paid for the right to use, but only for limited applications.

And yet, there is plenty of money to be made from this illusion of ownership. Just ask amazon.com, where you can not only buy just about anything you can imagine, you can make a wishlist of all the wonderful little goodies others can buy for you. How thoughtfully convenient!

But this isn't just a phenomenon of the digital age. Jesus spoke quite a bit about ownership, and usually quite harshly. (Matthew 6:19-34) In fact, much of law throughout history deals with ownership. Apparently, we have always been greedy, needy people. And believe me, it starts at an early age. In the time since I sat down to write this, I've had to separate my 19-month-old twins at least four times, because they were fighting over a toy.

While I don't completely know what makes us desire this ownership of objects, I do know that it makes us do terrible, irrational things, and it should be resisted. I do still have my amazon.com wishlist, but i have been more thoughtful of late as to what I put on it. Do I actually have a valid reason to want to own that movie, book, or CD, or do I just want the empty satisfaction of ownership? My wife and I have enjoyed using the Blockbuster online system for movies, and I suddenly have less desire to own various DVDs. I have also recently rediscovered the joy of the public library system. I guess if my tax dollars are paying for it, why not use it? But seriously, it has helped me to see that I don't need to own every book I want to read.

This attitude might also help us be more generous with what we do have. I think generosity comes from not being too attached to the material. When we care too much about our things, we guard them very closely. But when we know their true value, we are free to give of our possessions. And that is something I know God desires from us.

Query

2008-03-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Why do we spend so much time telling Christians to bring people to church, when Jesus tells us to do the exact opposite - bring the Church to people? Matthew 28:19-20

Update

2008-02-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Things have been just a tad busy. In December, we put on a dinner theater with our church and moved into a new house, all in the same weekend. No we aren't crazy, the two just happened to coincide, and there was really no better options. At least by moving in that weekend, we had three weeks to move before Christmas.

Christmas came with its usual assortment of busy schedules, followed by a week-long trip to Reno and Sacramento to visit family. Of course with 15-month-old babies, that made for some very long trips, but overall, the boys did very well.

After returning home, I was scheduled to preach the following Sunday, so naturally I came down with food poisoning or something. The day I preached was the first day in the previous three that I was able to stand for more than 5 minutes without feeling nauseous. Overall, I think it went well. The best comment I received was someone telling me, "it made me think." If that is all I did, then I accomplished what I set out to do. If you want to hear some of my thoughts on the church, you can go here: http://bethanyto.com/sounds/2008-01-06LW-BeTheChurch.mp3

Since then, our lives have mostly been occupied with the continued process of moving and settling into our new home. I have been working on a script, so that has taken much of my writing effort. The aforementioned dinner theater, while incredibly fun, was a terrible script, so the director and I are writing out scripts of our own, to better match our needs and audience. It will be interesting to see if these scripts ever really see the light of day.

I have a few other things that I have been working on for posts, but haven't finished, so keep checking back. Perhaps I will actually have something posted. Then again, perhaps not.

Wind and Fire (No Earth)

2007-10-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, Christie, the boys, and I were down in San Diego for the National Youth Workers' Convention (more on that later). I stepped out of a seminar on Sunday afternoon and knew immediately that there was a fire nearby. I could not see smoke until I stepped further away from the building to see over it, but the lighting had a very distinct feel to it that anyone raised in this area knows and dreads. As reports from family and others filtered in we soon discovered, as everyone else has, that much of Southern California was dealing with wildfires.

As we checked out of the hotel Monday morning, we were beginning to get a glimpse of the terrible toll these fires were taking. Evacuees were arriving to check in looking tired, wearing breathing masks, and carrying everything that was important to them. We hit the road as soon as possible and met more evacuees on the jammed freeway out of town. Traffic was terrible, everything reeked of smoke, and the sky ahead had an ominous look to it.

As we labored on through the traffic, Christie tried to call her sister, who lives in San Marcos just north of San Diego. We had spent a day with Carol and her husband at their beautiful house on the way down to the conference. How things change in just a few short days. Christie didn't get a hold of Carol, but we assumed the best and kept driving.

Oddly enough, the traffic broke free as we drove under a cloud so dark we had to use our headlights at 10:30 in the morning. Traffic remained relatively clear until we met the next fire in Irvine. This fire was very close to the freeway and, disturbingly enough, set intentionally after the area had been hit by 10 or so fires. It frightens me that some one would deliberately set a fire when resources were already stretched so thin, but I guess that's the point.

When we stopped for lunch, the smoke was quite thick. You could feel the pressure of it in your lungs and head. We were glad to be on the road again, but knew there were still several fires ahead of us. Thankfully none were close enough to cause traffic problems. We arrived safely in Thousand Oaks and saw the damage the wind had done here. It was remarkable. Some streets looked like war zones. If the smoke from the fires wasn't bad enough, our city was dealing with gale force winds that flipped wooden tables (Christie's parents'), destroyed gates (my parents'), and left this across the entrance to our street:

The tree didn't fall, it splintered.

The winds were so fierce, and the tree apparently so weak, that it just splintered all the branches off the trunk. Thankfully, I knew how to get in from the other side of our street (that is a bigger feat than may seem) and we were able to pull into our very own garage after a surreal drive home.

Soon after arriving, we discovered that Carol and Scott had actually been evacuated from their house at 3:00am on Monday. They were able to stay with some friends close by who were not affected by the fires. They were given the OK to return to their house on Tuesday, but chose to wait a little while, only to be told that their area had been re-evacuated. Their home is in a brand new development with open spaces all around, so they would definitely be susceptible to a wildfire.

Now, Carol and Scott have returned to their home. Landscape crews and homeowners have started picking up the pieces. The tree is now a stump. The weather seems to have turned in the firefighters' favor. And it looks like Southern California will survive another bout of wind and fire. Now my parents just need to figure out what to do with their gate that was, literally, blown to bits.

But for many people, rebuilding won't happen for a long time. Nearly 1500 homes have been destroyed, many more damaged, not to mention the businesses and other buildings that have been destroyed. Now they face the real struggle, trying to get their lives back. I can't even imagine the painstaking process they will have to go through.

All of this got me thinking about where we find our security. Is our security found in our homes? Our families? Our jobs? All of these things can be gone in the blink of an eye, or the gust of a particularly dry and vicious wind. We like to think that we are safe and secure in our nice homes with all of our stuff around us, but we really are no more secure than a homeless person sleeping in the gutter. Unfortunately, thousands of people just found that out this week.

In Luke 12:10-21, Jesus tells the story of the rich fool. The rich fool decided that he had so much stuff that he needed to build a huge barn to house it all and then retire happy. But as he finished building this monument to his wealth, God came to him and said,"You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you." (verse 20). How much time and energy do we spend on making ourselves feel secure, only to discover that true security can only be found in the eternal God. Imagine what your life would be like if you spent that same amount of time and energy devoted to God. I know my life would look very different.

And, please, don't forget to pray for the victims of these fires and the firefighters who are completely exhausted, but still valiantly battling the blazes around southern California.

Time

2007-09-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

Time is an integral part of our everyday lives. So much so that it is nearly impossible to imagine a world without time. You can sort of start to wrap your head around the idea of eternity, but then you start to think about things not having any sort of sequence and the brain starts going in circles and you eventually giving up before your head explodes. Yet how often do we really think about time. Our perception of time definitely colors our view of the world, but do we really spend much time pondering the idea of time.

We all know how time is measured and most of us a have a pretty good grasp of our schedules, but what about the actual entity time. We think of it as constant, but we feel its elastic tendencies regularly. Seconds can feel like an eternity as we watch imminent disaster, while happy hours seem to flit away before we fully enjoy them.

I think the majority of people are very aware of the quantity of time (seconds, minutes, hours), but rarely the quality of time. We pack our schedules to the brim with more and more appointments and errands. We know the exact amount of time it takes to get to and from work, the store, etc. and plan our lives around how much we can squeeze into each second that isn't otherwise occupied. And if there is anything that interrupts that schedule, we immediately start planning alternatives to get us to our next to-do to minimize any inconvenience.

But I fear that we are scheduling away our very souls. Life is not lived in a day planner. It is lived in the moments that make us stop and think. Those transcendant moments that take our eyes off the here and now and thrust us into the eternal, some times against our bidding, are vital to our being. They are wake up calls that remind us that this is not all there is to life. These are the times when we feel God's presence most keenly.

What would life be like if, every now and then, we threw the calendar out the window? How would it change our perspective if we stopped being so consumed with deadlines, and took note of life going on around us? It would be nice to be able to just press the pause button and stop everything so we can enjoy those moments, but perhaps the loss of time is part of the joy. Perhaps when we stop to enjoy life, we are trusting the Maker of Time to redeem the time others might think we are wasting. I hope this time has been rewarding for you.

The Room

2007-09-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

There is a room.

It is not like any room you have ever seen. It is enormous and filled with people from every imaginable place. The people mill about, engaging in those activities people engage in: talking, arguing, laughing, playing. Some walk with great purpose and determination, while others stroll about as if there is nothing of import to do.

As you work your way around the room, you notice a great number of people gravitate toward the walls. Out of curiosity, you find yourself drawn along with them. There is nothing specifically interesting about the walls themselves, nothing more than dull concrete slabs, but it is the doors that line them as far as the eye can see.

You decide to walk along the wall, perusing the various doors. They come in every shape and size. Some are very colorful, some very dull, and some have been so gaudily decorated you can barely stand to look at them. Some are large enough for elephants to fit through, others so small that people have to crawl on their hands and knees to enter. All seem to be trying very hard to hide what truly lies behind them.

The doors are not alone. Each door has hawkers expounding on the exceeding value of their door. They wear special clothing that matches the décor of the portal they sell. Some use lofty words; others speak with disgusting vulgarity. All are thoroughly convinced of the rightness of the way they offer. And as people are persuaded, the hawkers usher them through their doors with great fanfare and dignity, though you detect an hint of desperation and futility.

As you continue to observe, you discover the source of your unease. Behind the doors are many things, but none is what the entrants are looking for. One door leads to an endless maze, where thousands of people cry for help. Another leads the new initiate in a circle only to have them exit the same door, now a hawker, proclaiming the glories of their door. Still another opens to reveal nothing more than a blank wall, which people ecstatically walk into, and then speak of great revelations after bouncing off. And, to your horror, one leads to a grisly death for all who enter.

You reach out to grab a new convert before he enters the door of death. You frantically try to talk some sense into him, but you must be garbling your words in your haste. He merely nods vacantly, turns, and walks straight to his doom.

You run from door to door, imploring the hawkers and listeners alike to see the truth of their doors before it is too late. Some listen and wander off to other doors, but most dismiss you. You slowly leave them behind, tears welling in your eyes.

You walk along aimlessly, lost in your grief. You pass by more crowds of people, gazing at doors, mesmerized by the hawkers. You pass by others who preach their own ideas about the doors. Some say that all doors lead to the same place, so it matters not what door you choose. Another encourages people to not worry about the doors, but to have as much fun as they can and the door will find them. One large group stands facing the center of the room, chatting very haughtily. You listen as you walk by and hear them scoff at the silly rabble who still believe in the doors. What nonsense!

You continue to wander until something causes you to stop. Did someone call your name? You look at your surroundings for the first time and see a simple door in front of you. It is different than the other doors, somehow more real. It is not the overdressed or preposterously sized doors that most hawkers offer. Then you notice the quietness. There are people who stand by the door and talk about it to others, but they are not hawkers. You feel peace, rest, and you know that this door is the truth. You look at the others around you and discover that some heeded your warnings and followed you, but are now wary of yet another door.

You step closer and ask about the door. A kindly, older man gently and respectfully answers all your questions. He does not have all the answers, which you find refreshing after listening to the ridiculous theories of the hawkers, but is not afraid of them either.

You have trouble keeping your eyes off the door. It fascinates you. You can’t totally explain why, but it absorbs your attention. It seems to almost be a living thing. It calls to you, beckons you. To your surprise, you find yourself irresistibly drawn step by step to the door.

You touch it.

Oh, the sensation! You feel like you have discovered a missing piece of your soul. You catch the fleeting glimpse of what it is like to be truly whole and loved. Tears well in your eyes again and your knees give out beneath you. Your breath is snatched away and you almost hope it never comes back.

But it does, and you find yourself panting on your knees before the door. You must know what is behind it. You seize the handle and a jolt of electricity runs through your deepest being. You open the door and step through.

Things 'n' Stuff

2007-06-22T10:59:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, Christie and I were up at church with the boys. As we were heading out to the car to leave, I saw what appeared to be a large rock sitting on top of our car. That seemed rather odd to me, and as we approached we noticed some glass all over the place. Again, something seemed amiss. As I stepped around the driver's side I discovered that the window was missing, and there was a large rock sitting in the center console, with shards of broken glass strewn all over. Some one had broken into our car. As I looked closer, I discovered that they had tried multiple times to break all three windows on that side by throwing rocks at them. Sadly, they were not very good at this and dented up the whole side of the car. Once they got fed up, they took a rock about the size of a person's head and smashed through the driver's window. Once inside they took out the change drawer and rifled through the glove compartment. Unfortunately for them, all this hard work had yielded them at most a couple dollars in change.

At first, I was mostly just shocked. My window was gone. My car was dented and filled with broken glass. And all this for a handful of change. I laughed at the stupidity of breaking into the car of a youth pastor with a "Twins on Board" sign in the window. Obviously, they don't know what a pastor's salary is like, or have children.

As we began to take hold of the situation, we realized we would have to call the police and should try to disturb the scene as little as possible. I asked our music pastor, John, to call the police while I got whatever the boys would need and called my mom to come get Christie and the boys while I waited for the police.

As I waited with John and talked with a few others, I found something strange. Other people seemed more upset about it than I was. Granted, I hadn't slept much the night before (did I mention the twins?), but still, I felt more saddened and confused. Saddened because the people who had done it were so desperate for something (money, thrill, I'm not totally sure) that they were willing to risk jail time for a handful of change. Saddened that, while they were on church grounds, their thoughts were on crime and destruction, not God. Saddened by the total disregard for another's property. My confusion stemmed from the question of why. Why do this? What's the point? There was nothing of value lying in plain view, and ultimately for them, nothing of value whatsoever, so why bother? My car was certainly not the nicest, nor the newest, but perhaps the easiest, being further from the building than the rest.

The officer who took the report and others were just blown away by the brazen act. They broke in during the middle of the day, and were not exactly efficient and quick. While things are pretty quiet right now, there is still regular traffic through the parking lot. Some were very angry about it, which surprised me, because I wasn't. I'm not totally sure why, but I am still not angry. Sure, dealing with insurance and everything is going to be a pain, and my day was quite disrupted yesterday, but I'm still not angry.

But then again, why should I be? It's just a car. Nothing of significance was taken. Christie and the boys are fine. We are obsessed with stuff, possessions, property. But the Bible says that everything belongs to God and what we have is just a gift given to us to to glorify God. Maybe this was a wake up call for me. Maybe I have been putting too much energy and effort into my stuff. Maybe we don't need that brand new SUV we've been dreaming about. Maybe we need to stop worrying so much about the things we own, and just trust that God will provide for our needs.

One thing that sticks out to me was a comment from a church member who happened to drive by as we were waiting for the police. He suggested that maybe the police could get some fingerprints (they didn't bother) and if these guys had been in trouble before, they could bring them to justice. "That would feel good," he said as he left. Yes, it would be good if they didn't get away with the crime, but wouldn't it be better for them to be brought to grace and forgiveness?

A Brief Manifesto

2007-03-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

I figured it would be good to establish why I finally decided to create a blog. The first thing to understand is why I have been so hesitant to even start blogging to begin with. There is a commercial that came out a few years ago, that I absolutely abhorred. It featured a professor telling his writing class the minute likelihood of any of them ever being published. To which a student stood and began to declare that with online publishing, we can all become published authors and blah, blah, blah. What bothered me was the question of whether everyone is worthy of becoming a published author. I never want to perpetuate the mindless drivel that pollutes much of the internet, prattling on about the inane details of their bland lives, boring everyone into a stupor. Please don't misunderstand me. I have many friends and family members whose blogs I visit regularly, and thoroughly enjoy. But that is because they are good writers, and people whose lives are connected to mine.

So why create a blog if I have such disdain for much of the blogging community? Over the past few months, I have felt a growing need to express myself in new ways, to create new avenues of discussion, and a safe place to ask questions. I have been in ministry, paid and volunteer, for more than 10 years now and have discovered the value of questions. So often we try to teach by telling people what they should think or know, but as I have watched people grow (or not) over the last 10 years, the biggest influence I see is questions. The students who ask questions grow. Those who don't often get stuck and fall away. So I wanted to create a blog where I can share observations of life, God, ministry, etc. and ask questions. The questions may not have answers, but I am willing to let them, as long as the question is out there and being pondered.

Now, for the readers, I have a simple request. If you have any feedback, please give it. Let me know if you think I am way off base, or if you agree, or if you have more questions. Also, I never want this blog to become a rant. I despise the blogs that just complain about the world and have no ideas how things can be better. There is no benefit to railing against something with no positive input. It just makes people angry. So please be sure to keep me accountable to my own standard and warn me if I ever have a rant post.

Finally, I hope my writing spurs some thoughts and ideas that are new and interesting. My wish is that through my words and questions, I can encourage others to see things they have never seen before. Enjoy!

Lux Eterna

Limits

Update

Emoting

God's Choir

Something New

Update

Preaching

Some thoughts on worship

Videos

Life...

The Gathering Storm

Blockade

Les Miserables

Beauty

Trees

A New Song

She

He

More Video From June 28

The other shoe

Worship Video

A Big Step

Less than meets the eye...

Style

Termination

Lizard

Ideas

Mystery

Brazil

Steps

The Dark Knight

Rest

A Brief Review

True

Critique

Purpose

2009

Busy-ness

Ownership

Query

Update

Wind and Fire (No Earth)

Time

The Room

Things 'n' Stuff

A Brief Manifesto