Limits

This blog has been quite dormant lately.  I would apologize, but that seems rather pointless as it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it (nyeh!).  Life has been very busy, so my time to write has been rather limited, and typically reserved for school.  For the last year, I have been working two part time jobs, doing seminary online, and trying my best to keep up with the family at home.  While there have definitely been times I have failed at one or more of those, overall I think I've done a pretty good job balancing everything.  At least, I did.  About two months ago, all of that changed.

In mid-July I began to have some physical issues.  It started with just some fatigue and malaise, but quickly progressed to muscle fatigue and shakiness.  I have had similar episodes in my life, but this one was different.  Usually, if I just stretched and engaged my muscles with a brisk hike or something, everything would work out and I'd be fine.  This time, it didn't work.  I tried to go for a hike, but had to give up about 10 minutes in, because my legs just didn't feel like they could keep up much longer.

After a week of this, I called my doctor.  He ran some tests and the only thing that came back was an indicator for an autoimmune disorder (recently made famous by Venus Williams), so he referred me to a rheumatologist.  In the mean time, I began experiencing more pain and aching, especially in my joints.  The rheumatologist reran all the tests and added a few others.  Everything came back negative.  Which is good and bad.  Good: I don't have an autoimmune disorder that might knock me down unexpectedly for the rest of my life.  Bad: There's no medical reason for what was happening.

After informing us of the results, the doctor asked if there was much stress in our lives.  At which Christie and I chuckled wryly.  Guess that should have been a clue.  Apparently, my body feels that a year of working 65 hours a week, going to seminary, and keeping up with 4 children under the age of 5 is just a little too much.  It has reached its limit.  I have used up the reserve that I was always able to draw on before.

So now I have to regroup and figure out how to better deal with stress in my life.  I've never considered myself to be an energetic person, but I have usually kept busy and dealt with stress pretty well.  Although I have been known to push the limits more than once, as I'm sure my parents will attest to.  Christie (who has had her share of stress-related health concerns over the last few months, as well) and I are trying to reexamine what we are doing to better cope with the stress of life.

Of course, in the midst of this time of evaluation, Dominic broke his arm and Christie broke her leg.  I am also in the process of transitioning from one job to another (more on that later).  I have decided to take a break from school for a bit.  I may go back for the second sub-term this fall, or just take the fall off altogether.  We shall see how my body reacts to the next few weeks here.

It will be interesting as we move forward from here to see how God uses this to shape us.  Right now, every time I have a bad night's sleep, I feel it.  The muscle feel tired.  The energy store I once had is now gone.  Now I am truly dependent on God more often than not to just make it through the day.  I once wrote a line for a play, "Some times you have to come to the end of yourself before you can see God."  Why, oh why, do I have to live out the things I write?

Emoting

I realize as I peruse the various posts on this blog that I talk a lot about various ideas and might mention a few things about what is going on in my life, but I rarely talk about emotions.  A part of this is that I am a male of the species, but I am also a pretty emotionally modest person.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and I know this bothers some people.  But on the other hand, it means that I am not ruled by my emotions.  In the midst of chaos, I tend to be a very level-headed person.

This does not, however, mean that I do not feel emotions.  I actually feel them very deeply, but often do not let them show until they overwhelm me.  At those times, you can ask my family how emotionally reserved I am and get a very different response.

But overall, I am pretty even-tempered in my interactions with the world.  The other day, someone asked me how I was doing, and I very honestly answered, "OK."  At the time I was not overly concerned about anything and I felt relatively happy, so that was my answer.  His response, though, made me think.  He said, "You're always doing OK."  I do not believe he meant anything more than that I always seem to be doing well, but I realized that it probably bothers some people that "OK" is a common response from me.

Some people probably think I am being fake and just saying "OK" so that they won't ask any more questions.  Or that I am just not in tune enough with my emotions to express how I am really feeling.  This is simply not true.  If I am doing exceptionally well when someone asks me how I am doing, I will tell them.  If it is the other side of the coin, I may not spew my emotional baggage on them, but I will let them know if I have had a rough day.

So, all of this led to a decision to be a little more emotionally transparent in my blogging.  I have no idea if this will really change the tone of anything, because I am usually very analytical when it comes to writing, but I think it might help me be a little more real.

So, here goes:  This week has been a rather discouraging one.  It started with us not having the only vehicle that can fit the whole family for a day and a half while the passenger and auxiliary A/C unit was being fixed.  Thankfully it was all under warranty, but it did make us a little stir crazy to not be able to get out and run some much needed errands.

While the car was in the shop, I spent much of the week working on our study.  We have been working on rearranging it for a few months now, but I wanted to paint it before we really got things going.  So this week, I painted the walls and put up some shelf standard only to discover that not all of the wall units matched up with the shelf brackets.  Naturally, the brackets we have the most of, do no fit the wall units we have the most of, so that project is stalled while we see if we can finagle some way of making them fit.  But at least the walls are painted.

I also spent some time working on job stuff.  This has been the most frustrating and discouraging thing of all.  As I look at the calendar, I realize that it has been nearly a year since I left my previous ministry job. I know without a doubt that it was the right decision, and would make it again if I had to do it all over.  But the joblessness is eating at me.  God has provided for us and our savings have stretched much further than we ever thought possible, but at some point I would like to be providing for my family again.  Not to mention feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I know that my passion lies in leading worship and have received a ton of encouragement, but I cannot seem to land a job.

So I have been looking at other options.  I thought that I might be able to collect unemployment from my time with the Census Bureau, but discovered that I will not be eligible to do that until October.  I certainly hope that I will be employed by then, but we shall see.  It is incredibly discouraging to look at job listings and realize that I am not qualified for most that would actually have a chance of covering my bills.  Or seeing jobs that I know I could do, but finding it impossible to convince HR people that my experience in the ministry field really does translate into other arenas.  I have even looked into some part time work that could help stretch the savings a little more, but even those have proven fruitless.  I know God is leading us somewhere, and He will provide as He has all along, but I just want to be there already!

Adding to that frustration, the babies have been having some trouble in the eating department, which is discouraging for Christie and makes feeding time frustrating.  They are still very happy babies except at most feedings.  And, of course, the older boys are always in the mix being distracting and loud, or fighting like 3-year-olds do, but this week was particularly frustrating in that department.  Hopefully, they can get some rest in the next day or two and get back to normal, but we shall see.

Today almost added to the frustration, but thankfully things came out well in the end.  I went for a hike training for a backpack in a little over a month, and while on the trail lost my cellphone.  I had used it about 30 minutes before I discovered it missing, so I backtracked quickly to see if I could find it.  I came up empty-handed and got home an hour later than expected (causing Christie to worry), but thankfully someone had found my phone and called Christie.  We picked up the phone and actually made a fun outing of it with the boys, so that worked out well in the end.

Overall, it is really hard right now.  I have so much to look forward to between the backpack coming up, starting seminary in August, and just the joy of being with my children.  But it is hard to keep focused on the positive and not be discouraged by the frustrations.  I know that God is shaping me and shaping my family, but knowing does not always transfer straight to the heart.  But even over all the anxieties, frustrations, and disappointments, my greatest desire is to be in the center on God's will for me.

God's Choir

As I was driving to a meeting today listening to the local classical radio station, I heard a little blurb about a classical sing-a-long concert.  The announcer mentioned a recent study that revealed the benefits of corporate singing.  Naturally this piqued my interest.  Being a worship leader and a choir geek, corporate singing is just a minor passion of mine.

Apparently, the study found that as people sing together, their brains release the chemical oxytocin.  Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of intimacy and trust with those around you.  It is most commonly released released during sex,  as well as by a woman's body during birth to help her bond with her baby.  It is an extremely powerful hormone and the effects can be seen in relationships and emotional well-being.

When I hear this and think about all of the Biblical encouragement to sing together as a church, it just blows me away.  God knew what singing together accomplished in the chemistry of our brains long before we ever figured this out.  And it just makes me appreciate the role of corporate music in the body of Christ all the more.  It isn't just the preshow to the preaching.  Singing is actually a unifying element that God gave us to strengthen our bonds with each other and Him.

It also makes me sad for those who don't sing with the congregation for whatever reason.  I have always felt that they were missing out on something, but now I know they are.  I don't say this as a condemnation of those who prefer not to raise their voices, but merely as an encouragement to try something new.  I can't say that I understand how uncomfortable some people are with singing, but I would hope that they might understand some of the benefits of singing together and maybe stretch themselves a bit.  Come and join the choir!

For a more thorough discussion of this topic, check out church music blog.

Some thoughts on worship

I have had the opportunity of late to spend some time reflecting on corporate worship, theologically and personally, so I thought I would share a few nuggets.

The first thing I pondered was the necessity of corporate worship.  Is it really that important that we gather together to sing songs and hear God's Word?  Can't we do those things more effectively on our own?  Wouldn't we learn more from personal study and be more touched by worship that is totally our own?

My answers are: yes, no, and no.  Corporate worship is very important to our faith, because we are not on this journey alone.  It is extremely difficult to look at the words of Jesus (especially John's recollection of the Last Supper) and come to the conclusion that this is a solo mission.  Over and over, He exhorts us to love one another, and love cannot be given in absentia.  We need the regular opportunities to connect with and learn from other believers.

But some argue that this is best done in smaller groups, that there is no real connection in any group larger than [insert number of choice here].  Nonsense!  It is an incredible encouragement to join large groups of believers of all ages in singing praise to our God.  Have you ever been to an event where thousand of people join their voices together in worship?  It is incredibly powerful!  And how wonderful is it when some one stands before a large group and shares their personal struggles and God's victory through them.  Yes, I absolutely believe that deep growth does not happen in large, relatively anonymous gatherings, but we should not discount the value of the simple encouragement offered by corporate worship.

The problem, I think, lies not in corporate worship, but in our own selfish attitudes.  There are and will continue to be many different debates and opinions about modern worship, but the things that strikes me most is how rarely anyone discusses the idea of sacrifice in worship.  In all of our discussions of style and preference, we have lost sight of the role of sacrifice as a part of worship.

Starting in Genesis 4, we see that sacrifice is the primary act of worship, and it remains so throughout the old testament.  The people of Israel understood that sacrifice was demanded of sinful people by a righteous, holy God.  They knew that worship of God was giving of themselves and not presuming to receive anything in return.  But how does that relate to us, since Christ was the ultimate sacrifice?

The apostle Paul reframes the idea of sacrifice in the post-resurrection world in Romans 12:1-2:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

We are no longer offering physical sacrifices of livestock and goods, but offering our very lives in worship to Him.  We are to give Him complete control, surrendering to His will above our own, becoming the people He desires us to be.

This sounds pretty personal, so how does this relate to corporate worship?  One of the most obvious implications to me is that we need to rethink our debates about style and musical preference.  Are we merely arguing for personal preference?  How is that sacrificial?  Where is our attitude of mutual submission?

What role does discomfort play in sacrifice and worship?  It always irks me a little when hearing some one plan a worship service say,"We don't want to make people uncomfortable."  Really?  Is that a priority in worship?  Or does God use discomfort to move us and make us grow?

And think about it on a personal level.  When you come into worship, what are you sacrificing?  What are you giving up to enter into the presence on the Most High God?

These are just some thoughts that I have been ruminating on recently.  There are much more studied and well-versed voices leading these discussions than mine, but I thought I would throw my two cents in the fountain.  For deeper and better discussion of worship check out zachicks.com and Road Maps for Worship

Life...

... has been crazy busy lately.  This week is the first week since the babies were born that we haven't had some one staying with us to help out.  It has been quite an adventure getting into some sort of rhythm that Christie and I can handle.  Every day is certainly a challenge, but it is helping us to grow and become more and more the people God desires us to be.

On the job front, I am still looking.  It has been tough, but God has been faithful and provided for our needs.  I will be working part time for the Census Bureau, so that will help for a bit.  In the meantime, I have been enjoying serving at Camarillo Community Church.  I have had a couple opportunities to lead worship along with regularly singing and playing and being a part of the worship planning committee.  All of which has been a ton of fun, but also incredibly stretching.  I've had the chance to work on a couple video projects with them and am looking forward to more.

I've also been able to do some projects around the house, trying to make the house as functional as possible with four children now (yikes!).  I'm hoping to redo our office and then start working on some creative projects that are rolling around in my brain.  Some may see the light of day, others may not.  Though first, I need to find time to work while I'm at home (good luck!).

All in all, I'm excited to see where God is leading, but that doesn't take away the fear of not knowing the next step.  I know He will provide, but I'm a big picture kind of person.  I want to know where I'm going and what the point is.  Instead, He wants me to learn to trust and obey.

A New Song

I recently had the privilege of performing an original song for our church worship service. It has taken me several annoyingly fruitless attempts to get a recording online, but here it is, finally! The song is titled "Where Are You, O God?" and is loosely based on Psalm 22. This is a very raw recording straight off the live mix, so the balance is not what I would like, but I think it gives a pretty fair shake to the song. Performing the song are: Vocals: Lucas Weston, Piano: Markus Loose (wish that part came through a little stronger), Guitar: Tim Fenderson (who I also need to give credit for helping work out a couple problem spots on the chart in rehearsal), Bass: Bryon Josselyn, Drums: Chris Harman (if you can make them out in the way background without a microphone).

The other shoe

As I shared earlier, I am in the midst of a big transition. Leaving one job and searching for another is always stressful and difficult. The uncertainties can be very tough on a family. But that isn't even the half of the craziness of our lives right now.

A few weeks after I started the process of leaving my current job and searching for a new one, we found out that Christie is pregnant. Naturally, that raised the stress level significantly. Then, at her first doctor's visit, where her doctor emphatically declared that he had never had back to back spontaneous twins, we discovered that we are indeed expecting our second set of twins.

Any one of these things brings an immense amount of stress. Put them all together, and I'm not exactly sure what emotions I'm feeling.

I'm excited to have two more on the way and to see where God is leading me in my career.

I'm terrified to think of how dramatically our lives are going to change and don't know whether I'll be able to handle it.

I'm overwhelmed by God's opinion of Christie and I and our ability to handle not one but two sets of twins.

I'm exhausted thinking of all the details that need to fall into place in a short time.

I'm anxious about a lot of unanswered questions. Are we going to have to move? Will the boys be potty-trained before the next set arrives? Are we going to be able to find affordable healthcare if I don't find a job right away? Will I ever get to spend time with my wife again? Am I going to have a scrap of sanity left?

But above all, I know that God will provide. He always has and He always will. This song has been rolling around in my head all morning:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning, new every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness, o Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness

Which is inspired by Lamentations 3:21-23:

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

If Jeremiah can write of God's love and faithfulness while watching Jerusalem burn to the ground, I think I can rest on His love and faithfulness as well.

A Big Step

Those of you who periodically check in on my blog may have noticed that I have not posted much of late. While I have been posting a few things here and there about movies and whatnot, my posts about life and other things have been somewhat scarce. This is because I have been working through a lot of things that I was not yet ready to share. The biggest of which is my future in ministry.

For much of the past year, I have been looking toward the future and asking God where He is leading me. It has been a difficult and lengthy process. For the last five years, I have been the Student Ministry Director at Bethany Church on the Hill here in Thousand Oaks. Bethany is also the church that my family and I have attended for the last twenty years. It has been a huge part of my spiritual development. It has been a place that I have loved and served in many ways.

But over the last year or so, I have begun to wonder if this is where I am meant to be; whether or not my future in ministry is with teenagers or something else. I never really pictured myself being a youth pastor my entire career, but I wasn't sure what else I would want to do. So I began to ask God.

I wish I could say everything was simple and easy, but that would be a lie. This last year has been one of the most difficult of my life. Dealing with my own questions and doubts while simultaneously being confronted with a lot of criticism and adversity, all while trying to balance my family and ministry, left me drained in many ways.

Throughout this trying time, though, there were many bright spots. I had many opportunities to develop new relationships with students and enjoy some wonderful times just being with them. I also had the opportunity to produce a play that I wrote, along with two original songs, at our Christmas dinner theater. And I have enjoyed many wonderful moments with my boys and my wife.

Soon, I began to sense a growing discontentedness with my current situation. I felt more and more that I wanted to devote more time to music and theater and other media. I still loved my students and enjoyed the time together, but the actual running of the ministry became less and less joyful. Too often I felt that I was working out of my weaknesses, with little time to enjoy my strengths.

And so, a couple months ago, as I was just talking to God, I felt a definite answer. It is time for me to move on. I have enjoyed my time at Bethany, and more than anything I want to see the church and my students grow and thrive, but God laid it on my heart that it is no longer my job. It was not an easy realization, nor a happy one. But if I want my students to follow God's leading in their lives, I must do the same.

So now I am stepping out in faith. I know that it is time to move on to something new. I know that where I am is no longer where I need to be. But I have no idea what the next step is going to look like. I will be stepping down from my current position at the end of August and am trusting that God will take care of me. I am actively pursuing a job as a full time worship pastor or similar position, but, as yet, I do not have another job. I am terrified, excited, and whole mix of other emotions. But I know that, ultimately, it is in God's hands.

Lizard

The other day I had an encounter with a lizard. It wasn't anything special, but it did make me think.

I was out for a stroll around the church grounds, and as I turned a lizard froze on the curb in front of me. I took a step back and slowly sat back on my heels to watch. The lizard stayed quite still for a minute or so, and then did something totally unexpected. It actually started scooting toward me. It certainly kept an eye on me, but it seemed to accept my presence and attempted to move on with its existence.

Eventually, I had to move on with my day, but it made me think. Had I simply kept walking, my reptilian friend would have scampered away to find a place to hide. Yet, because I took a step back and let him continue in his own way, he actually approached me. Perhaps he was curious, or perhaps there was a scrumptious looking bug by my left foot. I don't know why, but he came closer to me.

This got me thinking about our relationship to God. So often we want God to come down and show himself and tell us what to do. But if God were to come in all his power and glory, we would be more sacred than lizards in the presence of humans. We would run and hide, trying not to wet ourselves in fear. But instead, God makes us aware of His presence, and then sits back and lets us approach Him. We all have our reasons for approaching (curiosity, scrumptious bugs, whatever floats your boat), but He leaves it in our power to decide. If He wanted to force Himself on us, we would have no ability to resist. But instead, He allows us to retain the small power of our free will.

What an amazing God we have!