This blog has been quite dormant lately. I would apologize, but that seems rather pointless as it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it (nyeh!). Life has been very busy, so my time to write has been rather limited, and typically reserved for school. For the last year, I have been working two part time jobs, doing seminary online, and trying my best to keep up with the family at home. While there have definitely been times I have failed at one or more of those, overall I think I've done a pretty good job balancing everything. At least, I did. About two months ago, all of that changed.
In mid-July I began to have some physical issues. It started with just some fatigue and malaise, but quickly progressed to muscle fatigue and shakiness. I have had similar episodes in my life, but this one was different. Usually, if I just stretched and engaged my muscles with a brisk hike or something, everything would work out and I'd be fine. This time, it didn't work. I tried to go for a hike, but had to give up about 10 minutes in, because my legs just didn't feel like they could keep up much longer.
After a week of this, I called my doctor. He ran some tests and the only thing that came back was an indicator for an autoimmune disorder (recently made famous by Venus Williams), so he referred me to a rheumatologist. In the mean time, I began experiencing more pain and aching, especially in my joints. The rheumatologist reran all the tests and added a few others. Everything came back negative. Which is good and bad. Good: I don't have an autoimmune disorder that might knock me down unexpectedly for the rest of my life. Bad: There's no medical reason for what was happening.
After informing us of the results, the doctor asked if there was much stress in our lives. At which Christie and I chuckled wryly. Guess that should have been a clue. Apparently, my body feels that a year of working 65 hours a week, going to seminary, and keeping up with 4 children under the age of 5 is just a little too much. It has reached its limit. I have used up the reserve that I was always able to draw on before.
So now I have to regroup and figure out how to better deal with stress in my life. I've never considered myself to be an energetic person, but I have usually kept busy and dealt with stress pretty well. Although I have been known to push the limits more than once, as I'm sure my parents will attest to. Christie (who has had her share of stress-related health concerns over the last few months, as well) and I are trying to reexamine what we are doing to better cope with the stress of life.
Of course, in the midst of this time of evaluation, Dominic broke his arm and Christie broke her leg. I am also in the process of transitioning from one job to another (more on that later). I have decided to take a break from school for a bit. I may go back for the second sub-term this fall, or just take the fall off altogether. We shall see how my body reacts to the next few weeks here.
It will be interesting as we move forward from here to see how God uses this to shape us. Right now, every time I have a bad night's sleep, I feel it. The muscle feel tired. The energy store I once had is now gone. Now I am truly dependent on God more often than not to just make it through the day. I once wrote a line for a play, "Some times you have to come to the end of yourself before you can see God." Why, oh why, do I have to live out the things I write?
