Trees

As we broke from the trees into the clearing the fog enshrouded us, obscuring our vision. We drew closer together, not wanting to be lost in the rapidly swirling fog. The condensation began dripping off our coats. The sound of our voices seemed to stop inches from our faces, while other mysterious sounds echoed ominously. This was where they said we would meet him, but all we found was a wall of mist. As we inched toward the center of the meadow, the massive trees on the other side began to emerge from the veil of fog. Suddenly, the earth began to tremble. It buckled and heaved underneath us as though it were trying to dislodge us from its surface. We clawed at each other, the long grasses around our knees, the ground itself, anything to keep our center. When it stopped, we all looked around, wide-eyed, searching the hidden world around us for any sign of what had happened. As I peered deeply into the fog at the trees nearest us, I couldn't help but feel that we had moved closer. Then it dawned on me: these were not trees.

A New Song

I recently had the privilege of performing an original song for our church worship service. It has taken me several annoyingly fruitless attempts to get a recording online, but here it is, finally! The song is titled "Where Are You, O God?" and is loosely based on Psalm 22. This is a very raw recording straight off the live mix, so the balance is not what I would like, but I think it gives a pretty fair shake to the song. Performing the song are: Vocals: Lucas Weston, Piano: Markus Loose (wish that part came through a little stronger), Guitar: Tim Fenderson (who I also need to give credit for helping work out a couple problem spots on the chart in rehearsal), Bass: Bryon Josselyn, Drums: Chris Harman (if you can make them out in the way background without a microphone).

She

She was quite the unpleasantest person we ever had the misfortune of meeting. No one knew why she was so, though frankly none cared too much. Perhaps that explains everything.

He

Their clamorous cheers fell hollow on his ears. There was a traitor in their midst. Let them celebrate. He must find the one who would betray them all...

More Video From June 28

Here is the second half of the set from June 28. This set was done after the sermon to help the congregation reflect on what they learned. The sermon was titled "At War With Yourself" and came from Galatians 5 where Paul contrasts the sinful nature and the fruit of the Spirit. The set was intended to focus on the ideas of surrender and purity, ending with a charge to go out and live for Christ.

The other shoe

As I shared earlier, I am in the midst of a big transition. Leaving one job and searching for another is always stressful and difficult. The uncertainties can be very tough on a family. But that isn't even the half of the craziness of our lives right now.

A few weeks after I started the process of leaving my current job and searching for a new one, we found out that Christie is pregnant. Naturally, that raised the stress level significantly. Then, at her first doctor's visit, where her doctor emphatically declared that he had never had back to back spontaneous twins, we discovered that we are indeed expecting our second set of twins.

Any one of these things brings an immense amount of stress. Put them all together, and I'm not exactly sure what emotions I'm feeling.

I'm excited to have two more on the way and to see where God is leading me in my career.

I'm terrified to think of how dramatically our lives are going to change and don't know whether I'll be able to handle it.

I'm overwhelmed by God's opinion of Christie and I and our ability to handle not one but two sets of twins.

I'm exhausted thinking of all the details that need to fall into place in a short time.

I'm anxious about a lot of unanswered questions. Are we going to have to move? Will the boys be potty-trained before the next set arrives? Are we going to be able to find affordable healthcare if I don't find a job right away? Will I ever get to spend time with my wife again? Am I going to have a scrap of sanity left?

But above all, I know that God will provide. He always has and He always will. This song has been rolling around in my head all morning:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning, new every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness, o Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness

Which is inspired by Lamentations 3:21-23:

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

If Jeremiah can write of God's love and faithfulness while watching Jerusalem burn to the ground, I think I can rest on His love and faithfulness as well.

Worship Video

As part of my job search, many churches want to see some video of prospective worship leaders in action. So here goes. I led worship on Sunday, June 28 at Bethany. I crafted the worship set to start out with a reading from Psalm 148 which led to a 3-song set of praise then we had announcements, followed by an offering song. After the sermon, we did thee more songs that took us from a reflective attitude to a joyful sending. This video is only the first set. I will be posting the other songs as soon as technology allows me.

A Big Step

Those of you who periodically check in on my blog may have noticed that I have not posted much of late. While I have been posting a few things here and there about movies and whatnot, my posts about life and other things have been somewhat scarce. This is because I have been working through a lot of things that I was not yet ready to share. The biggest of which is my future in ministry.

For much of the past year, I have been looking toward the future and asking God where He is leading me. It has been a difficult and lengthy process. For the last five years, I have been the Student Ministry Director at Bethany Church on the Hill here in Thousand Oaks. Bethany is also the church that my family and I have attended for the last twenty years. It has been a huge part of my spiritual development. It has been a place that I have loved and served in many ways.

But over the last year or so, I have begun to wonder if this is where I am meant to be; whether or not my future in ministry is with teenagers or something else. I never really pictured myself being a youth pastor my entire career, but I wasn't sure what else I would want to do. So I began to ask God.

I wish I could say everything was simple and easy, but that would be a lie. This last year has been one of the most difficult of my life. Dealing with my own questions and doubts while simultaneously being confronted with a lot of criticism and adversity, all while trying to balance my family and ministry, left me drained in many ways.

Throughout this trying time, though, there were many bright spots. I had many opportunities to develop new relationships with students and enjoy some wonderful times just being with them. I also had the opportunity to produce a play that I wrote, along with two original songs, at our Christmas dinner theater. And I have enjoyed many wonderful moments with my boys and my wife.

Soon, I began to sense a growing discontentedness with my current situation. I felt more and more that I wanted to devote more time to music and theater and other media. I still loved my students and enjoyed the time together, but the actual running of the ministry became less and less joyful. Too often I felt that I was working out of my weaknesses, with little time to enjoy my strengths.

And so, a couple months ago, as I was just talking to God, I felt a definite answer. It is time for me to move on. I have enjoyed my time at Bethany, and more than anything I want to see the church and my students grow and thrive, but God laid it on my heart that it is no longer my job. It was not an easy realization, nor a happy one. But if I want my students to follow God's leading in their lives, I must do the same.

So now I am stepping out in faith. I know that it is time to move on to something new. I know that where I am is no longer where I need to be. But I have no idea what the next step is going to look like. I will be stepping down from my current position at the end of August and am trusting that God will take care of me. I am actively pursuing a job as a full time worship pastor or similar position, but, as yet, I do not have another job. I am terrified, excited, and whole mix of other emotions. But I know that, ultimately, it is in God's hands.

Less than meets the eye...

I just saw the laziest movie I have seen in a long time. Not that I was expecting anything more than a fun action flick, but this was the perfect example of why so many sequels go bad. Transformers 2 had all the incredible special effects and mayhem you would expect from a summer blockbuster, but the producers should be ashamed of their pathetic effort in filmmaking.

The overall plot could have been so much more, but instead the history of the transformers get a brief mention and is given very little importance to the actual plot. The characters were flat and uninspiring. And the biggest bummer of all for me was how much they focused on the humans rather than the interesting story of the transformers themselves. Sure Sam is living every geek's dream, and Megan Fox is pretty, but if that's all they wanted to make the movie about, why bother having the transformers. Aside from Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, most of the transformers aren't distinguishable enough from each other to even care about them. The big bad guy, the Fallen, was barely on screen and did not seem all that intimidating when they did show him. Basically, I felt like the whole movie was just a chance to show off a bunch of gaudy special effects and Megan Fox's (and the creepy decepticon femme-bot's) curves.

Then there's the humor. It has to be some of the most juvenile humor I've seen in a movie in a long time. I mean, seriously, how many jokes about male anatomy and dogs (or robots) mounting things before it stops being funny. It's like they couldn't actually think of anything funny, so they just threw a lot of vulgar junk in there to get some cheap laughs. And don't get me started on the twins...

All in all, it was a fun movie, but just could have used a lot more thought in all aspects. It's really sad to see movie-goers rewarding Michael Bay's lazy filmmaking with so much money, but people are easily distracted by big shiny objects on the movie screen.

Style

So, for the few of you out there who actually follow my blog, you will notice I'm trying a new template. I'm still tweaking with it, using my limited, trial-and-error based understanding of html. Not sure why I thought it was time for a change, but just thought I'd like something a little different. Hopefully the style suits my random assortment of thoughts and topics.

Termination

Just saw Terminator: Salvation and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. There were some cool scenes and some interesting thoughts and ideas, but I'm still somewhat disappointed. I definitely found it refreshing to get out of the whole time travel rut (and all the obnoxious paradoxes that come from that) and see the actual war against the machines. It was also interesting to see how some of the characters that get mentioned in the previous films came together and who they really are.

I think what left me feeling less than satisfied was a certain pet-peeve of mine when it comes to film distributors. Have you ever watched a preview and thought, "Well, I guess I don't need to watch that movie now," because you just saw everything in the trailer? I had hopes that would not be the case for Terminator, but I was mistaken. They give away the big shocking moment that changes the course of the entire film in the preview. And from that point on, the plot is predictable.

I was also a bit nonplussed with the ending. They have made it clear from the beginning that this was intended to be the beginning of a new trilogy that would show the final showdown between the machines and humans (Matrix anyone?), but by the end, I honestly didn't care about seeing more. I liked the idea that no matter how much meddling the people of the future did in the past, the inexorable march of technology will lead to the mechanized judgment day, and I was initially interested to see this side of the story. But now, I don't know how they can continue to make an interesting story from here on out without being utterly predictable. I think the corner they have backed themselves into is that when technology is the enemy, you have to keep upping the ante with each film. They've done that for 4 films and I don't know that they have anywhere to go.

Anyhoo, just some thoughts. And, of course, an obligatory metal head...

Lizard

The other day I had an encounter with a lizard. It wasn't anything special, but it did make me think.

I was out for a stroll around the church grounds, and as I turned a lizard froze on the curb in front of me. I took a step back and slowly sat back on my heels to watch. The lizard stayed quite still for a minute or so, and then did something totally unexpected. It actually started scooting toward me. It certainly kept an eye on me, but it seemed to accept my presence and attempted to move on with its existence.

Eventually, I had to move on with my day, but it made me think. Had I simply kept walking, my reptilian friend would have scampered away to find a place to hide. Yet, because I took a step back and let him continue in his own way, he actually approached me. Perhaps he was curious, or perhaps there was a scrumptious looking bug by my left foot. I don't know why, but he came closer to me.

This got me thinking about our relationship to God. So often we want God to come down and show himself and tell us what to do. But if God were to come in all his power and glory, we would be more sacred than lizards in the presence of humans. We would run and hide, trying not to wet ourselves in fear. But instead, God makes us aware of His presence, and then sits back and lets us approach Him. We all have our reasons for approaching (curiosity, scrumptious bugs, whatever floats your boat), but He leaves it in our power to decide. If He wanted to force Himself on us, we would have no ability to resist. But instead, He allows us to retain the small power of our free will.

What an amazing God we have!

Ideas

Have you ever had so many ideas in your head you don't know where to start?

There are so many things rolling around in my brain right now. New ideas for music. Plans for decorating our house. Visions for ministry. Story lines for scripts. It's all getting a bit jumbled and overwhelming.

The annoying thing is that when I feel like this, instead of pushing forward, I retreat. I feel so overwhelmed, I don't know where to start. So instead of just picking something and going with it, I do nothing, hoping that somehow I'll be told what to do. Maybe it's time to jump in the deep end and see what happens.

Or maybe I'll wait 'til tomorrow...

Mystery

Why do we hate mystery?

Oh, sure, we love a good mystery story every now and then, but we have to have all the loose ends neatly tied and all questions answered by the end. If not we feel disappointed or frustrated. Or we eagerly anticipate the sequel (or prequel) that will explain everything. And yet, all too often, continuing the story to answer all the questions winds up making things worse. (Godfather 3, anyone?)

I'm a big Star Wars fan and I have actually been debating on how to show my kids the series. If I show them the prequels first, the big reveal in Episode V loses all its impact. But at the same time, the shock of Anakin's fall and betrayal in the prequels wasn't as dramatic for me, knowing the outcome already. (Then again, maybe that has to do with the sub-par storytelling of the prequels) Or maybe I shouldn't show them at all and leave that era of the Star Wars story a mystery for them to enjoy. Ah, the debates that rage through the mind of a nerd...

The series Lost is a great example of our wrestling match with mystery. Some people have been frustrated by all the mysteries, and the lack of answers to many of the questions. But if there were no overshadowing mysteries, would the show be as interesting? When I first heard about the concept for the show, I didn't think it would last more than a season. Who wants to watch a bunch of people stuck on a deserted island? Doesn't Survivor already do that? It's the supernatural, mysterious elements that make the show worth watching. I just hope they end the show when it is time and don't just string out a bunch more questions to keep the show on life support, ala X-Files.

I think there is a certain beauty in the mystery. I think life would be boring if we had all the answers. Isn't life more interesting one step at a time? Would you live your life the same way if you knew how everything was going to turn out? Or would knowing the outcome change your decisions?

Here's to a little more mystery!

Brazil

I finally got around to watching the film Brazil, by Terry Gilliam. I have always enjoyed Gilliam's work and this one was probably one of his best. Granted, I saw a director's cut and several of his films have been reportedly ruined by studio meddling, but it seemed to be his best executed film. Everything really flowed and made sense in that bizarre Terry Gilliam way. The film seemed complete, whereas some of his others seem to be missing something once you get to the end.

I also enjoyed the story and world that he created. His idea of a future where information is commodity, privacy is non-existent, and bureaucracy reigns supreme is disturbingly prescient. The excessive security enacted to combat terrorism is the very complaint many have lodged against the Patriot Act. For anyone who has had "contraband" confiscated at the airport, there is a hilarious scene when the main character and his mother enter a restaurant and the gift she has bought him triggers an alarm.

The story is a wonderfully tragic tale, echoing the classic greek tragedies, where the main character, in order to avoid the thing he dreads, sets off a chain of events that bring his fear to fruition. It all leads to an ending that is so brilliant and off-beat, that you can't think of a better one. And of course, I'll never be able to listen to Pink Martini quite the same again...

Steps

He stands on the brink.

The path behind him is a winding trail of missteps and surprises, but the steps were easy to see. Ahead, he sees nothing but a whirling morass of clouds swirling through a deep valley. Over the chaos before him, he can still hear the beautiful strains that have lured him thus far. But here the path fades to gray mists. It is almost as if the ground itself was swallowed by the curtain of fog that obscures his way. If he steps forward, will he be able to find his way, or will he lose the melody in the thick blanket and never find his way out? Is there even a way out on the other side? Will the ground hold him, or will he lose his footing and tumble into the abyss? Is there even any ground to stand on?

He knows he cannot go back; his destination lies ahead. He must move forward. The song compels him.

The storm is coming.

The Dark Knight

The Motion Picture Academy has once again proven that they are total snobs who cannot bring themselves to respect any film released before November. I have not yet seen any of the best picture/director nominees, but to not even honor a film as powerful and well-crafted as The Dark Knight is ridiculous. The only major nomination it received was for Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, which is deserved, but also was a foregone conclusion to most 6 months ago. This was one of the finest crafted films I have ever seen. In fact, it was almost more of an experience than just a film.

Not only was The Dark Knight an enjoyable and engaging action movie, but it also addressed some very interesting ideas and issues. Of course it had the theme of good vs. evil, but most importantly, it tried to find the line between the two. The Joker is constantly trying to push Batman to break his one rule. Through that conflict we also see some ideas about integrity, and the seduction of the darker side of humanity. There are also themes of sacrifice, justice, loss, and so many more elements of the human story.

What most fascinated me, though, was the central idea of the film that is given in the title itself. In the end Batman embraces the persona of the dark knight, the one who lives in shadows and confronts evil on its own terms. He realizes that in a broken world, sometimes society needs people to do its dirty work, only to be reviled by the very people they are protecting. I find this especially fascinating given the timing of the film. Given the vehement dislike of the president who just left office over issues like the war on terrorism, torture, infringement of personal privacy, and other issues, this film was terribly ironic in its popularity. At the same time that people were reviling our president for allowing water boarding of suspected terrorists, they were applauding as Batman beat the Joker to a pulp while in police custody. The top grossing film of the year (and second-most all-time) was validating every controversial move of the Bush administration, yet most people never even noticed.

And that right there is the beauty of this film. It grappled with deep and powerful issues that most people totally missed because they were having too much fun. It hid valuable truths and insightful questions deep inside an entertaining and beautiful story. Isn't that the point of any artistic medium?

Rest

Why is it so hard to really rest? I'm not talking about veging out in front of the TV, or playing video games, or the hundreds of other activities we call "rest", but really, truly rest. Take time away from the daily grind and recharge seems like such a difficult task, but it is so necessary.

Last week, I caught a nasty little cold and tried to stay home and rest. Well, I stayed home, but rest was not a part of my days at home. I tried to relax and not do much, but I still needed to help take care of the boys and get some things done around the house. I realize that that is just part of being a parent, but how often do we do the same thing. We have an opportunity to rest, or our bodies make us rest, and instead of truly resting, we fritter away our time on useless activities.

I guess a lot of it has to do with how one recharges. I know people are relaxed and energized by different activities, but I feel like our culture is constantly trying to push us to do more with less time. We now have all these ridiculous energy drinks that will help keep us up to do all the millions of things we want to do (or think we are supposed to do), meanwhile telling us that sleep is for the weak. (I'm not making that up. I actually saw an energy drink ad that said that.) People seem to see true rest as a waste of time, not a valuable and vital part of our lives. And then we wonder why people are burnt out or turn to drugs or alcohol or other risky behaviors to find some sort of release.

So maybe this week, instead of turning on the TV or the video games or whatever else, ask yourself, "How do I truly rest?" and go do it.

A Brief Review

The Complete Fairy Tales by George MacDonald


rating: 5 of 5 stars
A very enjoyable collection of MacDonald's shorter works. Publishing them in chronological order allows you to see the progression of his work throughout his life. Be sure to read his essay at the beginning entitled The Fantastic Imagination. It is extremely helpful to understand his views and ideas about fantasy stories. It helps you to grasp some of the deeper meanings, while also giving you permission to just enjoy the stories for what they are. Any fan of fantasy (especially C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein who were big fans) should be sure to give this a read.


View all my reviews.

True

"'That's too good to be true,' said Nanny.

'There are very few things good enough to be true,' said Diamond; 'but I hope this is. Too good to be true can't be. Isn't true good? and isn't good good? And how then, can anything be too good to be true?...'"

George MacDonald, from At the Back of the North Wind

Critique

The best way with music, I imagine, is not to bring the forces of our intellect to bear upon it, but to be still and let it work on that part of us for whose sake it exists. We spoil countless precious things by intellectual greed. He who will be a man, and will not be a child, must-he cannot help himself-become a little man, a dwarf. he will, however, need no consolation, for he is sure to think himself a very large creature indeed.

George MacDonald, from The Fantastic Imagination

How often do we ruin great work by tearing it apart and inspecting every inch of it? It is like buying a brand new car, tearing it apart completely, and then declaring it a great feat of engineering. That's great, but now your car is a worthless pile of parts.

Now, I enjoy a good, intellectual discussion of a film or book, but there is a limit. Too often we dissect a thing of beauty until there is no beauty left to enjoy. There were several books we studied in school that were destroyed by digging too deep and reaching for meaning that was not there and was never intended. I know that these studies were supposed to help us understand the craft of writing and see symbols and themes, but more often than not it merely drained the book of all enjoyment.

Because of this, I have never been a big fan of critics. Too often they lay an unfair criterion on a piece, and then criticize it for not being what they thought it should be. It often does not matter what the artist intended. They dissect things and try to make them more important than the creator ever intended.

I am reminded of the critics who said that Tolkein's Lord of the Rings saga was an allegory of World War II, even though Tolkein himself consistently denied it. Sure, he took themes from the events of his life (like all good artists) but that does not mean it was intended to be a direct allegory. Yet, some critics probably still believe that was his goal.

So, instead of intellectual dissection of art, why not merely enjoy something, even though you may not understand why? Perhaps someday in the future, you will see what it is that struck you so deeply. But for now, just enjoy, like children who enjoy without questioning.

But indeed your children are not likely to trouble you about the meaning. They find what they are capable of finding, and more would be too much. For my part, I do not write for children, but for the childlike. whether of five, or fifty, or seventy-five.

George MacDonald, from The Fantastic Imagination

Purpose

"The best thing you can do for your fellow, next to rousing his conscience is-not to give him something to think about, but to wake things up that are in him; or say, to make him think for himself."

-George MacDonald, from The Fantastic Imagination

2009

Well, a happy new year to everyone!

2008 was an interesting year, and has left some unfinished business for me. I look forward to seeing where things are going.

Some hopes for the new year:
I hope to get my script published. The show went extremely well, and I got a lot of positive feedback. I'd like to work on some of the arrangements and neaten things up a bit, so publishing may be more work than I realize, but I would really like to get it out there.
I hope to do some more writing. Since writing the script and the new songs for it, my brain has been aswirl with ideas and thoughts. Some things might appear here and some may just ferment for a little while. We shall see.
I hope to figure out what I'm doing about Seminary. I've applied, but haven't actually started, because things have been so crazy, I didn't feel good adding anything new.
Above all, I hope to be more aware of God and what He is doing in my everyday life. I feel like I have been too bogged down in doing what needs to be done without stopping to see God. I want that to change and it is going to take considerable effort.

Here's to a new adventure!