This blog has been quite dormant lately.  I would apologize, but that seems rather pointless as it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it (nyeh!).  Life has been very busy, so my time to write has been rather limited, and typically reserved for school.  For the last year, I have been working two part time jobs, doing seminary online, and trying my best to keep up with the family at home.  While there have definitely been times I have failed at one or more of those, overall I think I've done a pretty good job balancing everything.  At least, I did.  About two months ago, all of that changed.

In mid-July I began to have some physical issues.  It started with just some fatigue and malaise, but quickly progressed to muscle fatigue and shakiness.  I have had similar episodes in my life, but this one was different.  Usually, if I just stretched and engaged my muscles with a brisk hike or something, everything would work out and I'd be fine.  This time, it didn't work.  I tried to go for a hike, but had to give up about 10 minutes in, because my legs just didn't feel like they could keep up much longer.

After a week of this, I called my doctor.  He ran some tests and the only thing that came back was an indicator for an autoimmune disorder (recently made famous by Venus Williams), so he referred me to a rheumatologist.  In the mean time, I began experiencing more pain and aching, especially in my joints.  The rheumatologist reran all the tests and added a few others.  Everything came back negative.  Which is good and bad.  Good: I don't have an autoimmune disorder that might knock me down unexpectedly for the rest of my life.  Bad: There's no medical reason for what was happening.

After informing us of the results, the doctor asked if there was much stress in our lives.  At which Christie and I chuckled wryly.  Guess that should have been a clue.  Apparently, my body feels that a year of working 65 hours a week, going to seminary, and keeping up with 4 children under the age of 5 is just a little too much.  It has reached its limit.  I have used up the reserve that I was always able to draw on before.

So now I have to regroup and figure out how to better deal with stress in my life.  I've never considered myself to be an energetic person, but I have usually kept busy and dealt with stress pretty well.  Although I have been known to push the limits more than once, as I'm sure my parents will attest to.  Christie (who has had her share of stress-related health concerns over the last few months, as well) and I are trying to reexamine what we are doing to better cope with the stress of life.

Of course, in the midst of this time of evaluation, Dominic broke his arm and Christie broke her leg.  I am also in the process of transitioning from one job to another (more on that later).  I have decided to take a break from school for a bit.  I may go back for the second sub-term this fall, or just take the fall off altogether.  We shall see how my body reacts to the next few weeks here.

It will be interesting as we move forward from here to see how God uses this to shape us.  Right now, every time I have a bad night's sleep, I feel it.  The muscle feel tired.  The energy store I once had is now gone.  Now I am truly dependent on God more often than not to just make it through the day.  I once wrote a line for a play, "Some times you have to come to the end of yourself before you can see God."  Why, oh why, do I have to live out the things I write?

So.

It has been a ridiculously long time since I posted anything. This is primarily due to the fact that since my last post much has happened (quickly searches Edit Posts tab to ascertain said date). To run down a list of some of the things that have happened: I started seminary, climbed a 14K mountain, and started two new jobs; the boys turned 4, we celebrated the holidays with family and friends, and the babies turned 1.

Those are just a few of the highlights. I've probably missed a few things, but those are some that stick out to me. As you can see, life has kind of been flipped on its head for me. Two jobs and seminary has left me with little creative energy to write, so the blog has suffered, though I've been feeling a little creative surge of late. My poor hiking blog was just getting rolling when everything went crazy. Oh well, such is life!

Now to step back a bit and lay out the details of some of the things that have happened.

My last post mentioned that I had been without work for nearly a year. Well, almost a year to the day from leaving my previous job, two new job opportunities came up. The first was working as a caregiver for a friend of ours who is confined to a wheelchair. I drive him to school (he's a teacher) and to therapy appointments and such. It leaves me with a significant amount of free time during the school day, which is terribly convenient because my second job is leading worship for Ventura Community Church, just a few miles away from the school. It also gives me some big chunks of time to work on seminary. God definitely has His own way of doing things!

It is great to finally have work, especially in ministry, but it hasn't all been easy. THe way things are, I'm working about 65 hours a week, most of that time away from my family. It has been a hard adjustment for all of us. I miss seeing the kids and being there to help Christie out when needed. Christie misses the help, and the kids miss me. Thankfully, our parents have been able to step up to help us out in many ways.

Adjusting to a new church has also been trying at times. This is the first time I have ever started at a church in a leadership position. I grew up at Bethany before getting into ministry there. At Camarillo, I gradually became more involved in worship ministry, and was never on staff. With Ventura, I led worship my first Sunday, and didn't have a Sunday where I wasn't leading until December.

It has also been tough for the family adjusting to a new church. We were really starting to connect and feel a part of Camarillo. We have still been able to be a part of some fun events there since, but Ventura is now our church home. It is also a significant drive (about 30 minutes) which makes it a little tougher to feel like a part of the community. We've had our ups and downs, but we are definitely beginning to connect more with people.

All in all, it has been a crazy ride. The journey is still not over, but God has already done some extraordinary things. Some day we hope to sit down and write out all the incredible ways that God has moved during this crazy journey. In the meantime, Christie is working on updating the Dublets blog. Check back for more updates (hopefully!).

I realize as I peruse the various posts on this blog that I talk a lot about various ideas and might mention a few things about what is going on in my life, but I rarely talk about emotions.  A part of this is that I am a male of the species, but I am also a pretty emotionally modest person.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and I know this bothers some people.  But on the other hand, it means that I am not ruled by my emotions.  In the midst of chaos, I tend to be a very level-headed person.

This does not, however, mean that I do not feel emotions.  I actually feel them very deeply, but often do not let them show until they overwhelm me.  At those times, you can ask my family how emotionally reserved I am and get a very different response.

But overall, I am pretty even-tempered in my interactions with the world.  The other day, someone asked me how I was doing, and I very honestly answered, "OK."  At the time I was not overly concerned about anything and I felt relatively happy, so that was my answer.  His response, though, made me think.  He said, "You're always doing OK."  I do not believe he meant anything more than that I always seem to be doing well, but I realized that it probably bothers some people that "OK" is a common response from me.

Some people probably think I am being fake and just saying "OK" so that they won't ask any more questions.  Or that I am just not in tune enough with my emotions to express how I am really feeling.  This is simply not true.  If I am doing exceptionally well when someone asks me how I am doing, I will tell them.  If it is the other side of the coin, I may not spew my emotional baggage on them, but I will let them know if I have had a rough day.

So, all of this led to a decision to be a little more emotionally transparent in my blogging.  I have no idea if this will really change the tone of anything, because I am usually very analytical when it comes to writing, but I think it might help me be a little more real.

So, here goes:  This week has been a rather discouraging one.  It started with us not having the only vehicle that can fit the whole family for a day and a half while the passenger and auxiliary A/C unit was being fixed.  Thankfully it was all under warranty, but it did make us a little stir crazy to not be able to get out and run some much needed errands.

While the car was in the shop, I spent much of the week working on our study.  We have been working on rearranging it for a few months now, but I wanted to paint it before we really got things going.  So this week, I painted the walls and put up some shelf standard only to discover that not all of the wall units matched up with the shelf brackets.  Naturally, the brackets we have the most of, do no fit the wall units we have the most of, so that project is stalled while we see if we can finagle some way of making them fit.  But at least the walls are painted.

I also spent some time working on job stuff.  This has been the most frustrating and discouraging thing of all.  As I look at the calendar, I realize that it has been nearly a year since I left my previous ministry job. I know without a doubt that it was the right decision, and would make it again if I had to do it all over.  But the joblessness is eating at me.  God has provided for us and our savings have stretched much further than we ever thought possible, but at some point I would like to be providing for my family again.  Not to mention feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I know that my passion lies in leading worship and have received a ton of encouragement, but I cannot seem to land a job.

So I have been looking at other options.  I thought that I might be able to collect unemployment from my time with the Census Bureau, but discovered that I will not be eligible to do that until October.  I certainly hope that I will be employed by then, but we shall see.  It is incredibly discouraging to look at job listings and realize that I am not qualified for most that would actually have a chance of covering my bills.  Or seeing jobs that I know I could do, but finding it impossible to convince HR people that my experience in the ministry field really does translate into other arenas.  I have even looked into some part time work that could help stretch the savings a little more, but even those have proven fruitless.  I know God is leading us somewhere, and He will provide as He has all along, but I just want to be there already!

Adding to that frustration, the babies have been having some trouble in the eating department, which is discouraging for Christie and makes feeding time frustrating.  They are still very happy babies except at most feedings.  And, of course, the older boys are always in the mix being distracting and loud, or fighting like 3-year-olds do, but this week was particularly frustrating in that department.  Hopefully, they can get some rest in the next day or two and get back to normal, but we shall see.

Today almost added to the frustration, but thankfully things came out well in the end.  I went for a hike training for a backpack in a little over a month, and while on the trail lost my cellphone.  I had used it about 30 minutes before I discovered it missing, so I backtracked quickly to see if I could find it.  I came up empty-handed and got home an hour later than expected (causing Christie to worry), but thankfully someone had found my phone and called Christie.  We picked up the phone and actually made a fun outing of it with the boys, so that worked out well in the end.

Overall, it is really hard right now.  I have so much to look forward to between the backpack coming up, starting seminary in August, and just the joy of being with my children.  But it is hard to keep focused on the positive and not be discouraged by the frustrations.  I know that God is shaping me and shaping my family, but knowing does not always transfer straight to the heart.  But even over all the anxieties, frustrations, and disappointments, my greatest desire is to be in the center on God's will for me.

As I was driving to a meeting today listening to the local classical radio station, I heard a little blurb about a classical sing-a-long concert.  The announcer mentioned a recent study that revealed the benefits of corporate singing.  Naturally this piqued my interest.  Being a worship leader and a choir geek, corporate singing is just a minor passion of mine.

Apparently, the study found that as people sing together, their brains release the chemical oxytocin.  Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of intimacy and trust with those around you.  It is most commonly released released during sex,  as well as by a woman's body during birth to help her bond with her baby.  It is an extremely powerful hormone and the effects can be seen in relationships and emotional well-being.

When I hear this and think about all of the Biblical encouragement to sing together as a church, it just blows me away.  God knew what singing together accomplished in the chemistry of our brains long before we ever figured this out.  And it just makes me appreciate the role of corporate music in the body of Christ all the more.  It isn't just the preshow to the preaching.  Singing is actually a unifying element that God gave us to strengthen our bonds with each other and Him.

It also makes me sad for those who don't sing with the congregation for whatever reason.  I have always felt that they were missing out on something, but now I know they are.  I don't say this as a condemnation of those who prefer not to raise their voices, but merely as an encouragement to try something new.  I can't say that I understand how uncomfortable some people are with singing, but I would hope that they might understand some of the benefits of singing together and maybe stretch themselves a bit.  Come and join the choir!

For a more thorough discussion of this topic, check out church music blog.

So I've been doing a lot of hiking lately, prepping for a backpack at the end of August, and I got to thinking that it might be fun to share a bit about my experiences.  But I didn't feel like it really fit with what I want this blog to be, so I decided to make another blog about my adventures hiking the various trails of the Conejo Valley.  I'm just getting it started, so it might be a few days before I have some real content on there, but feel free to check it out here.  And don't worry, loyal reader (singular), I'll continue to ignore this blog for long periods of time just like before...

So things have been rather quiet around my little corner of cyberspace.  Life has been busy with 2 new babies added the chaos that was our life with only one set of twins.  On top of that, our poor old desktop computer has decided it isn't a big fan of navigating blogger.com.  So I've brought my laptop back from semi-retirement and will try to post more regularly again.

Overall, not much has changed in the last few months.  The babies are nearly 6 months old, which makes me wonder where the last half a year went.  I am still very involved with worship ministry at Camarillo Community Church and even had the chance to preach this past Sunday.  I recently had an opportunity to lead worship for Moorpark EV Free Church.  That was a lot of fun!  Still looking for a full-time gig, but God has been providing in amazing ways.

My work with the Census Bureau is over.  Now I don't have to worry about being threatened by crazy people when I take down their names.  That was an exciting day.  Especially when they nearly got me fired.  Thankfully, cooler (saner) heads prevailed and I got to keep my job for another few weeks until I tried to break my leg (unsuccessfully) moving our tent trailer.  I was hobbled and unable to work for a couple weeks and by the time I was better, things had all wrapped up.  The funny thing is that I am now eligible for unemployment.  Work for 3 months, get up to 9 months of unemployment.  Gotta love our government.

Christie and I are both trying to get in shape.  Christie is recovering from the incredible things a woman's body goes through during pregnancy, and so has been doing a workout video series she's really excited about.  I am gearing up for a backpack at the end of August with my brothers.  We are hoping to hike Mt. Langley, one of California's 14k peaks.  Caleb has done it once, but this will be a first for Andrew and I.  So in that vein, I have been hiking or biking 5 or 6 days a week to try to whip my body back into shape.  It's been good for me to get out regularly, not just for exercise, but to also clear my head.  It's amazing how overpowering the chaos can be.

Such is my life.  There seem to be some new things on the horizon.  Perhaps one of them will eventually materialize.  We shall see.

This past weekend I had the privilege of preaching at Camarillo Community Church.  Christie and I have been attending the church since fall and I have had a ton of opportunities to serve in worship ministry, but had yet to use my teaching skills.  The senior pastor, Ralph Rittenhouse, was speaking at another church this weekend, so he asked if I would fill in.  I had the wonderfully easy topic of "Hate Your Mother & Father" (part of a larger series called "Extreme Devotion") from Luke 14.  Here's the recording if you want to give it a listen...