Emoting

I realize as I peruse the various posts on this blog that I talk a lot about various ideas and might mention a few things about what is going on in my life, but I rarely talk about emotions.  A part of this is that I am a male of the species, but I am also a pretty emotionally modest person.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and I know this bothers some people.  But on the other hand, it means that I am not ruled by my emotions.  In the midst of chaos, I tend to be a very level-headed person.

This does not, however, mean that I do not feel emotions.  I actually feel them very deeply, but often do not let them show until they overwhelm me.  At those times, you can ask my family how emotionally reserved I am and get a very different response.

But overall, I am pretty even-tempered in my interactions with the world.  The other day, someone asked me how I was doing, and I very honestly answered, "OK."  At the time I was not overly concerned about anything and I felt relatively happy, so that was my answer.  His response, though, made me think.  He said, "You're always doing OK."  I do not believe he meant anything more than that I always seem to be doing well, but I realized that it probably bothers some people that "OK" is a common response from me.

Some people probably think I am being fake and just saying "OK" so that they won't ask any more questions.  Or that I am just not in tune enough with my emotions to express how I am really feeling.  This is simply not true.  If I am doing exceptionally well when someone asks me how I am doing, I will tell them.  If it is the other side of the coin, I may not spew my emotional baggage on them, but I will let them know if I have had a rough day.

So, all of this led to a decision to be a little more emotionally transparent in my blogging.  I have no idea if this will really change the tone of anything, because I am usually very analytical when it comes to writing, but I think it might help me be a little more real.

So, here goes:  This week has been a rather discouraging one.  It started with us not having the only vehicle that can fit the whole family for a day and a half while the passenger and auxiliary A/C unit was being fixed.  Thankfully it was all under warranty, but it did make us a little stir crazy to not be able to get out and run some much needed errands.

While the car was in the shop, I spent much of the week working on our study.  We have been working on rearranging it for a few months now, but I wanted to paint it before we really got things going.  So this week, I painted the walls and put up some shelf standard only to discover that not all of the wall units matched up with the shelf brackets.  Naturally, the brackets we have the most of, do no fit the wall units we have the most of, so that project is stalled while we see if we can finagle some way of making them fit.  But at least the walls are painted.

I also spent some time working on job stuff.  This has been the most frustrating and discouraging thing of all.  As I look at the calendar, I realize that it has been nearly a year since I left my previous ministry job. I know without a doubt that it was the right decision, and would make it again if I had to do it all over.  But the joblessness is eating at me.  God has provided for us and our savings have stretched much further than we ever thought possible, but at some point I would like to be providing for my family again.  Not to mention feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I know that my passion lies in leading worship and have received a ton of encouragement, but I cannot seem to land a job.

So I have been looking at other options.  I thought that I might be able to collect unemployment from my time with the Census Bureau, but discovered that I will not be eligible to do that until October.  I certainly hope that I will be employed by then, but we shall see.  It is incredibly discouraging to look at job listings and realize that I am not qualified for most that would actually have a chance of covering my bills.  Or seeing jobs that I know I could do, but finding it impossible to convince HR people that my experience in the ministry field really does translate into other arenas.  I have even looked into some part time work that could help stretch the savings a little more, but even those have proven fruitless.  I know God is leading us somewhere, and He will provide as He has all along, but I just want to be there already!

Adding to that frustration, the babies have been having some trouble in the eating department, which is discouraging for Christie and makes feeding time frustrating.  They are still very happy babies except at most feedings.  And, of course, the older boys are always in the mix being distracting and loud, or fighting like 3-year-olds do, but this week was particularly frustrating in that department.  Hopefully, they can get some rest in the next day or two and get back to normal, but we shall see.

Today almost added to the frustration, but thankfully things came out well in the end.  I went for a hike training for a backpack in a little over a month, and while on the trail lost my cellphone.  I had used it about 30 minutes before I discovered it missing, so I backtracked quickly to see if I could find it.  I came up empty-handed and got home an hour later than expected (causing Christie to worry), but thankfully someone had found my phone and called Christie.  We picked up the phone and actually made a fun outing of it with the boys, so that worked out well in the end.

Overall, it is really hard right now.  I have so much to look forward to between the backpack coming up, starting seminary in August, and just the joy of being with my children.  But it is hard to keep focused on the positive and not be discouraged by the frustrations.  I know that God is shaping me and shaping my family, but knowing does not always transfer straight to the heart.  But even over all the anxieties, frustrations, and disappointments, my greatest desire is to be in the center on God's will for me.

God's Choir

As I was driving to a meeting today listening to the local classical radio station, I heard a little blurb about a classical sing-a-long concert.  The announcer mentioned a recent study that revealed the benefits of corporate singing.  Naturally this piqued my interest.  Being a worship leader and a choir geek, corporate singing is just a minor passion of mine.

Apparently, the study found that as people sing together, their brains release the chemical oxytocin.  Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of intimacy and trust with those around you.  It is most commonly released released during sex,  as well as by a woman's body during birth to help her bond with her baby.  It is an extremely powerful hormone and the effects can be seen in relationships and emotional well-being.

When I hear this and think about all of the Biblical encouragement to sing together as a church, it just blows me away.  God knew what singing together accomplished in the chemistry of our brains long before we ever figured this out.  And it just makes me appreciate the role of corporate music in the body of Christ all the more.  It isn't just the preshow to the preaching.  Singing is actually a unifying element that God gave us to strengthen our bonds with each other and Him.

It also makes me sad for those who don't sing with the congregation for whatever reason.  I have always felt that they were missing out on something, but now I know they are.  I don't say this as a condemnation of those who prefer not to raise their voices, but merely as an encouragement to try something new.  I can't say that I understand how uncomfortable some people are with singing, but I would hope that they might understand some of the benefits of singing together and maybe stretch themselves a bit.  Come and join the choir!

For a more thorough discussion of this topic, check out church music blog.

Something New

So I've been doing a lot of hiking lately, prepping for a backpack at the end of August, and I got to thinking that it might be fun to share a bit about my experiences.  But I didn't feel like it really fit with what I want this blog to be, so I decided to make another blog about my adventures hiking the various trails of the Conejo Valley.  I'm just getting it started, so it might be a few days before I have some real content on there, but feel free to check it out here.  And don't worry, loyal reader (singular), I'll continue to ignore this blog for long periods of time just like before...

Update

So things have been rather quiet around my little corner of cyberspace.  Life has been busy with 2 new babies added the chaos that was our life with only one set of twins.  On top of that, our poor old desktop computer has decided it isn't a big fan of navigating blogger.com.  So I've brought my laptop back from semi-retirement and will try to post more regularly again.

Overall, not much has changed in the last few months.  The babies are nearly 6 months old, which makes me wonder where the last half a year went.  I am still very involved with worship ministry at Camarillo Community Church and even had the chance to preach this past Sunday.  I recently had an opportunity to lead worship for Moorpark EV Free Church.  That was a lot of fun!  Still looking for a full-time gig, but God has been providing in amazing ways.

My work with the Census Bureau is over.  Now I don't have to worry about being threatened by crazy people when I take down their names.  That was an exciting day.  Especially when they nearly got me fired.  Thankfully, cooler (saner) heads prevailed and I got to keep my job for another few weeks until I tried to break my leg (unsuccessfully) moving our tent trailer.  I was hobbled and unable to work for a couple weeks and by the time I was better, things had all wrapped up.  The funny thing is that I am now eligible for unemployment.  Work for 3 months, get up to 9 months of unemployment.  Gotta love our government.

Christie and I are both trying to get in shape.  Christie is recovering from the incredible things a woman's body goes through during pregnancy, and so has been doing a workout video series she's really excited about.  I am gearing up for a backpack at the end of August with my brothers.  We are hoping to hike Mt. Langley, one of California's 14k peaks.  Caleb has done it once, but this will be a first for Andrew and I.  So in that vein, I have been hiking or biking 5 or 6 days a week to try to whip my body back into shape.  It's been good for me to get out regularly, not just for exercise, but to also clear my head.  It's amazing how overpowering the chaos can be.

Such is my life.  There seem to be some new things on the horizon.  Perhaps one of them will eventually materialize.  We shall see.

Preaching

This past weekend I had the privilege of preaching at Camarillo Community Church.  Christie and I have been attending the church since fall and I have had a ton of opportunities to serve in worship ministry, but had yet to use my teaching skills.  The senior pastor, Ralph Rittenhouse, was speaking at another church this weekend, so he asked if I would fill in.  I had the wonderfully easy topic of "Hate Your Mother & Father" (part of a larger series called "Extreme Devotion") from Luke 14.  Here's the recording if you want to give it a listen...

Some thoughts on worship

I have had the opportunity of late to spend some time reflecting on corporate worship, theologically and personally, so I thought I would share a few nuggets.

The first thing I pondered was the necessity of corporate worship.  Is it really that important that we gather together to sing songs and hear God's Word?  Can't we do those things more effectively on our own?  Wouldn't we learn more from personal study and be more touched by worship that is totally our own?

My answers are: yes, no, and no.  Corporate worship is very important to our faith, because we are not on this journey alone.  It is extremely difficult to look at the words of Jesus (especially John's recollection of the Last Supper) and come to the conclusion that this is a solo mission.  Over and over, He exhorts us to love one another, and love cannot be given in absentia.  We need the regular opportunities to connect with and learn from other believers.

But some argue that this is best done in smaller groups, that there is no real connection in any group larger than [insert number of choice here].  Nonsense!  It is an incredible encouragement to join large groups of believers of all ages in singing praise to our God.  Have you ever been to an event where thousand of people join their voices together in worship?  It is incredibly powerful!  And how wonderful is it when some one stands before a large group and shares their personal struggles and God's victory through them.  Yes, I absolutely believe that deep growth does not happen in large, relatively anonymous gatherings, but we should not discount the value of the simple encouragement offered by corporate worship.

The problem, I think, lies not in corporate worship, but in our own selfish attitudes.  There are and will continue to be many different debates and opinions about modern worship, but the things that strikes me most is how rarely anyone discusses the idea of sacrifice in worship.  In all of our discussions of style and preference, we have lost sight of the role of sacrifice as a part of worship.

Starting in Genesis 4, we see that sacrifice is the primary act of worship, and it remains so throughout the old testament.  The people of Israel understood that sacrifice was demanded of sinful people by a righteous, holy God.  They knew that worship of God was giving of themselves and not presuming to receive anything in return.  But how does that relate to us, since Christ was the ultimate sacrifice?

The apostle Paul reframes the idea of sacrifice in the post-resurrection world in Romans 12:1-2:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

We are no longer offering physical sacrifices of livestock and goods, but offering our very lives in worship to Him.  We are to give Him complete control, surrendering to His will above our own, becoming the people He desires us to be.

This sounds pretty personal, so how does this relate to corporate worship?  One of the most obvious implications to me is that we need to rethink our debates about style and musical preference.  Are we merely arguing for personal preference?  How is that sacrificial?  Where is our attitude of mutual submission?

What role does discomfort play in sacrifice and worship?  It always irks me a little when hearing some one plan a worship service say,"We don't want to make people uncomfortable."  Really?  Is that a priority in worship?  Or does God use discomfort to move us and make us grow?

And think about it on a personal level.  When you come into worship, what are you sacrificing?  What are you giving up to enter into the presence on the Most High God?

These are just some thoughts that I have been ruminating on recently.  There are much more studied and well-versed voices leading these discussions than mine, but I thought I would throw my two cents in the fountain.  For deeper and better discussion of worship check out zachicks.com and Road Maps for Worship

Videos

In an effort to make my videos a little more accessible and concise, I've loaded all of them onto you tube.  There are some clips of me leading worship, some from my show "Coming Home" and a short promo video we did for student ministry.  You can see them all here.  I'm also putting a link in the video section on the right sidebar to my you tube page.

Life...

... has been crazy busy lately.  This week is the first week since the babies were born that we haven't had some one staying with us to help out.  It has been quite an adventure getting into some sort of rhythm that Christie and I can handle.  Every day is certainly a challenge, but it is helping us to grow and become more and more the people God desires us to be.

On the job front, I am still looking.  It has been tough, but God has been faithful and provided for our needs.  I will be working part time for the Census Bureau, so that will help for a bit.  In the meantime, I have been enjoying serving at Camarillo Community Church.  I have had a couple opportunities to lead worship along with regularly singing and playing and being a part of the worship planning committee.  All of which has been a ton of fun, but also incredibly stretching.  I've had the chance to work on a couple video projects with them and am looking forward to more.

I've also been able to do some projects around the house, trying to make the house as functional as possible with four children now (yikes!).  I'm hoping to redo our office and then start working on some creative projects that are rolling around in my brain.  Some may see the light of day, others may not.  Though first, I need to find time to work while I'm at home (good luck!).

All in all, I'm excited to see where God is leading, but that doesn't take away the fear of not knowing the next step.  I know He will provide, but I'm a big picture kind of person.  I want to know where I'm going and what the point is.  Instead, He wants me to learn to trust and obey.

The Gathering Storm

The Gathering Storm by Robert Jordan
My rating: 4 of 5 stars 
I was tempted to give this one 5 stars, but there were still a few things that held me back. I think I was most excited to finally get closure on most of the annoying side plots that just seemed to drag on needlessly, and to see some positive movement in the main plotlines.  

The parts that kept this from being a 5 for me were most anything dealing with Rand. His character has just been getting frustratingly darker and darker, leaving you feeling pretty hopeless and depressed. They did finally move toward redemption for his character, but it remains to be seen where they go from there.  

Mat's story arc seemed unnecessary, at best, but we shall see what his next step is and whether the major character reveal (my favorite part of this book) has something do with the reasoning behind that arc. 

As far as Sanderson's style in taking over for Jordan, I think it was a very good choice. It seemed to me that having a new writer helped bring some new life to many of the characters and stories. I actually found myself enjoying certain characters more than I had previously and even laughing out loud at some of the more light-hearted moments.  

All in all, I am very excited to see where the next 2 books go as they move toward the resolution. View all my reviews >>

Blockade

So I haven't been posting much of late, as I'm sure all of my loyal readers (do I have those?) have noticed.  I seem to be struggling with a serious case of writer's block.   I'm not sure why, but every time I sit down to try to write something, I just wind up staring at a blank page, plodding out a couple half-hearted sentences, deleting them and logging off in frustration.  It's not that I don't have any ideas to post about, I just seem utterly unable to communicate them.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the chaos of having newborn twins with their 3-year-old brothers running rampant about the house...

Les Miserables

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
My rating: 5 of 5 stars It's tough to summarize everything about this book. Not just because it is over 1400 pages, or because it took me nearly 15 years to finally finish the darn thing, but also because it is not just simply a novel. The story and the characters are incredible, but this book is so much more than that. It is Victor Hugo's masterpiece of the French people. He uses one of the greatest redemptive stories ever told as a platform to expound on his understanding of his nation. He takes many tangents on the history, economics, sociology, and ethos of France. It makes the story so much bigger than the struggle between the characters, it is about the soul of a people.  

That said, the reason I read this book and enjoyed it is because of the characters. My first impression of the story was from seeing the musical version (which I love), but even in that modern opera, many of the characters are given short shrift. Jean Valjean is well explored, and Javert's back story is briefly mentioned, but many of the other characters are barely glimpsed. And in the film version many characters disappear altogether. But Hugo's characters are so rich. Marius is so much more than a French Romeo to Cosette's Juliet. He is a passionate, intelligent man with a strong moral compass, but still young enough to be an idealist. Cosette is not as developed as a character, but much of that is because she is still young and naive, and she represents purity and light to Valjean. To delve her much more would ruin her place in his eyes. Then there are the Thenardiers. This whole family of criminals and miscreants who, while trying to exploit or destroy those around them, seem only to be able to help the main characters. And two of them wind up being the noblest of characters.

The way these characters interact and struggle with each other is fascinating in and of itself, but then you add the historical and factual aspects that Hugo incorporates, and the story just leaps off the page at you. I have to admit that some of his tangents were difficult to get through and some of the details overwhelmed me at times, but I think much of that is because I am not as familiar with the history of France (though I did pick up my encyclopedia to look up some more info) and I do not know the city of Paris as a citizen would. Yet, despite these handicaps, I still found much of his writing fascinating. All in all, this is probably my favorite story for so many reasons. I highly recommend it to anyone. And don't be daunted by the size. It actually breaks up into smaller reads quite well. View all my reviews >>

Beauty

Beauty does not create Love.  Love creates Beauty.