Emoting

I realize as I peruse the various posts on this blog that I talk a lot about various ideas and might mention a few things about what is going on in my life, but I rarely talk about emotions.  A part of this is that I am a male of the species, but I am also a pretty emotionally modest person.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and I know this bothers some people.  But on the other hand, it means that I am not ruled by my emotions.  In the midst of chaos, I tend to be a very level-headed person.

This does not, however, mean that I do not feel emotions.  I actually feel them very deeply, but often do not let them show until they overwhelm me.  At those times, you can ask my family how emotionally reserved I am and get a very different response.

But overall, I am pretty even-tempered in my interactions with the world.  The other day, someone asked me how I was doing, and I very honestly answered, "OK."  At the time I was not overly concerned about anything and I felt relatively happy, so that was my answer.  His response, though, made me think.  He said, "You're always doing OK."  I do not believe he meant anything more than that I always seem to be doing well, but I realized that it probably bothers some people that "OK" is a common response from me.

Some people probably think I am being fake and just saying "OK" so that they won't ask any more questions.  Or that I am just not in tune enough with my emotions to express how I am really feeling.  This is simply not true.  If I am doing exceptionally well when someone asks me how I am doing, I will tell them.  If it is the other side of the coin, I may not spew my emotional baggage on them, but I will let them know if I have had a rough day.

So, all of this led to a decision to be a little more emotionally transparent in my blogging.  I have no idea if this will really change the tone of anything, because I am usually very analytical when it comes to writing, but I think it might help me be a little more real.

So, here goes:  This week has been a rather discouraging one.  It started with us not having the only vehicle that can fit the whole family for a day and a half while the passenger and auxiliary A/C unit was being fixed.  Thankfully it was all under warranty, but it did make us a little stir crazy to not be able to get out and run some much needed errands.

While the car was in the shop, I spent much of the week working on our study.  We have been working on rearranging it for a few months now, but I wanted to paint it before we really got things going.  So this week, I painted the walls and put up some shelf standard only to discover that not all of the wall units matched up with the shelf brackets.  Naturally, the brackets we have the most of, do no fit the wall units we have the most of, so that project is stalled while we see if we can finagle some way of making them fit.  But at least the walls are painted.

I also spent some time working on job stuff.  This has been the most frustrating and discouraging thing of all.  As I look at the calendar, I realize that it has been nearly a year since I left my previous ministry job. I know without a doubt that it was the right decision, and would make it again if I had to do it all over.  But the joblessness is eating at me.  God has provided for us and our savings have stretched much further than we ever thought possible, but at some point I would like to be providing for my family again.  Not to mention feeling a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  I know that my passion lies in leading worship and have received a ton of encouragement, but I cannot seem to land a job.

So I have been looking at other options.  I thought that I might be able to collect unemployment from my time with the Census Bureau, but discovered that I will not be eligible to do that until October.  I certainly hope that I will be employed by then, but we shall see.  It is incredibly discouraging to look at job listings and realize that I am not qualified for most that would actually have a chance of covering my bills.  Or seeing jobs that I know I could do, but finding it impossible to convince HR people that my experience in the ministry field really does translate into other arenas.  I have even looked into some part time work that could help stretch the savings a little more, but even those have proven fruitless.  I know God is leading us somewhere, and He will provide as He has all along, but I just want to be there already!

Adding to that frustration, the babies have been having some trouble in the eating department, which is discouraging for Christie and makes feeding time frustrating.  They are still very happy babies except at most feedings.  And, of course, the older boys are always in the mix being distracting and loud, or fighting like 3-year-olds do, but this week was particularly frustrating in that department.  Hopefully, they can get some rest in the next day or two and get back to normal, but we shall see.

Today almost added to the frustration, but thankfully things came out well in the end.  I went for a hike training for a backpack in a little over a month, and while on the trail lost my cellphone.  I had used it about 30 minutes before I discovered it missing, so I backtracked quickly to see if I could find it.  I came up empty-handed and got home an hour later than expected (causing Christie to worry), but thankfully someone had found my phone and called Christie.  We picked up the phone and actually made a fun outing of it with the boys, so that worked out well in the end.

Overall, it is really hard right now.  I have so much to look forward to between the backpack coming up, starting seminary in August, and just the joy of being with my children.  But it is hard to keep focused on the positive and not be discouraged by the frustrations.  I know that God is shaping me and shaping my family, but knowing does not always transfer straight to the heart.  But even over all the anxieties, frustrations, and disappointments, my greatest desire is to be in the center on God's will for me.